


Love You For Always

by TwistedRocketPower



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Phanfiction, not dan or phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-11-07 09:11:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 41,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11055873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwistedRocketPower/pseuds/TwistedRocketPower
Summary: In the UK, an estimated 6,000 children die each year. When Dan and Phil became parents almost seven years ago, they never imagined they would become a part of that statistic.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Bring your tissues

“Are you sure you have everything you need?” Phil asked for what felt like the hundredth time that morning.

“Yes, Pappy!” Eli replied with a dramatic eyeroll.

“I saw that!” Phil yelled, even though he was in the kitchen and Eli was in the living room.

Eli’s eyes widened. “How?!”

Phil brought Eli’s lunchbox into the living room. “You forget that your dad is the master of sass,” he said as he put the lunchbox in Eli’s backpack.

“Are you talking about me?” Dan asked curiously as he entered the room.

“Pappy said you’re the master of ass.”

“Sass!” Phil corrected quickly as Dan laughed.

“That’s what I said!” Eli defended.

“Mhm. Okay, so let’s go through the checklist.”

Both Dan and Eli sighed. “Come, sit down by me. This is bound to take a while,” Dan said, sitting on the couch. Eli quickly jumped up onto his lap and Dan wrapped his arms around him.

“You have pencils?” Phil started, ignoring Dan.

“Check.”

“Paper?”

“Check.”

“An extra jacket in case you get cold?”

“Check.”

“Money for souvenirs?”

“Check.”

“A knife in case you’re mugged?” Dan joked, earning a glare from Phil and a laugh from Eli.

“ _Anyway_. Your lunchbox?”

“Pappy, you _just_ put that in my backpack.”

“Toothbrush and paste in case you need it after lunch?”

“Check.”

“Phil, he’s going on a day trip,” Dan said before Phil could continue the list. “He’s going to be gone the normal amount of school hours. They’re going to a zoo. He’ll be fine.”

“Do you have your little lion? You always take that on school trips,” Phil asked.

“Yes, Pappy. I put Lonny in my backpack,” Eli whined, dropping his head back against Dan’s shoulder.

“Phil, if you keep making him check things off then he’s going to miss the bus and then we won’t be able to check the zoo off the checklist.”

Dan lifted Eli up under his arms and had him stand up so Dan could stand as well.

“This is his first time going without one of us, Dan. We won’t be able to fix his problems.” Phil replied, putting his hands on his hips. “Do you remember how to tie your shoes?”

“Pappy, I’m _six_. Almost _seven_.”

“And if you have to go to the bathroom, you’ll let someone know?”

“Yes.”

“Come on,” Dan said, picking up Eli’s backpack. “Let’s head for the door slowly and maybe Pappy will be done by the time we reach it.”

“Doubt it,” Eli mumbled.

“Hey, I heard that!” Phil exclaimed, following behind.

“I’m going to walk him to the bus stop, then I’ll be back,” Dan said, turning to give Phil a small kiss.

“Okay. Be safe, both of you.”

“We don’t even have to cross the street, Pappy,” Eli said as Phil got down on his knees for a hug.

“I know,” Phil replied, squeezing Eli tight. “Oh, do you have your disposable camera for pictures?”

“Check!” Eli exclaimed, pulling back from Phil’s hug. “I’ll take pictures of all the animals for you and Daddy.”

“I can’t wait to see them. Have your teacher take some pictures of you too.”

“I will.”

Dan opened the door, putting his hand on Eli’s back to lead him out.

“Love you forever!” Phil called out with a wave.

Eli looked back at him with a smile, “Love you for always, Pappy!” He said, waving back.

Phil took a deep breath and closed the door. Their little boy was growing up, and he did not feel ready.

 

“Okay, now that we’re away from Pappy, are you sure you have everything you need?” Dan asked.

“Ugh! Yes, Daddy. I have everything.”

“Draw some pictures of what you see on the way, okay? We need some new ones to put on the fridge.”

“I will.”

“And if that little rat, Tommy, bothers you, tell him to fu- tell a teacher,” Dan quickly fixed.

“I will, Daddy.”

They reached the bus stop as the bus approached. “Just in time! Remember I’m picking you up today so don’t get on the bus home.”

“Okay. I love you for always,” Eli said, giving Dan a quick hug around the waist.

Dan put his arms around him and patted his back, smiling at the excitement he could feel radiating off of Eli.

“If you need anything, tell a teacher, okay? Love you forever.”

Then, Eli was running off to his bus, waving at his friends as he climbed up the steps.

Dan let out a sigh as the bus drove off, waving at the bus until he knew Eli couldn’t see him anymore.

Katie, one of the mom’s from the neighborhood, walked over to Dan at the bus stop. “You’re not going on the class trip?” She asked Dan as they began walking back to their houses.

“No, not this time. Phil and I both have a lot of work to do at home.” He paused, “That’s not true. Eli kept hinting that he wanted to go alone, so we decided it was time.”

“How’s Phil taking it?” She asked with a knowing smile.

Dan laughed, “We almost missed the bus if that tells you anything.”

Katie nodded and laughed. “Well, tell him I said hi. And tell him it doesn’t get easier. This is the third time Jenny has gone alone and I’m going to go to work and worry for the rest of the day.”

Dan groaned. “Oh God, Phil’s going to be pacing the floors until three o’clock.”

Katie laughed, then turned to head toward her house. “I’ll see you tomorrow!” She said with a wave.

“Bye!”

 

“How was he?” Phil asked the second Dan opened the door.

“He was fine,” Dan reassured him. “He couldn’t wait to get on the bus.”

Phil took a deep breath. “This is a lot tougher than I thought it was going to be,” he said, sitting down on the couch. “I thought sending him off to school for the first time was bad, but I think this is worse.”

Dan came and sat down beside him, putting an arm around Phil’s back. “He’ll be fine, Phil. He always is. He dealt with the first day of school a lot better than we did.”

“Yeah, we cried all day and he came home with a new love for loud musical instruments,” Phil remembered with a laugh.

“And then we cried some more,” Dan joked.

Phil leaned his head onto Dan’s shoulder. “He’ll really be fine?”

Dan nodded. “He’ll be fine.”

 

Phil and Dan decided to spend the day making a video about their worries over Eli going on a school trip alone.

Since they had come out eight years ago, their lives had changed rather quickly. They had told the world about them because they wanted to buy a house, and they wanted to adopt a child. They were ready to grow up and be parents, even though pieces of them would be forever juvenile.

That’s why they continued making videos. They still loved doing it, and their YouTube career only kept growing once they started talking about their family life.

They were very cautious of Eli being on camera. He wasn’t seen on a video until he got up older, and even then his presence was limited. They would only film with him when they needed him for a reenactment, and Eli loved it. “He was born to entertain,” Dan would say.

Eli never went to conventions, even though fans wanted him there. He wanted to go, but neither Dan nor Phil were willing to let him. He needed to just be a child for now and not worry about anything else.

Once Dan and Phil had finished filming their “Letting Him Go (To the Zoo)” video, they sat on the couch and caught up on some TV shows that were not exactly family friendly.

“What time is it?” Phil asked.

“Just past one.”

“Oh.”

“Stop worrying, Phil,” Dan said, reaching over and taking his hand.

“I’m not. I’m just wondering the time.”

“Only one hour and fifty-three minutes to go,” Dan replied.

Phil looked over at him and smiled. “Ha! And you think I’m worried?”

“Shut up, you dick,” Dan replied, giving Phil’s hand a squeeze. “When are you going to edit that video?”

Phil shrugged. “I think I’ll wait until I have the pictures Eli took so I can add them to it.”

“That’ll be nice.”

“Yeah.”

They fell into a comfortable silence again, both wishing time would go by a little faster.

 

“You should’ve let me drive,” Phil said from the passenger seat.

“If I let you drive, we wouldn’t be there until tomorrow.”

“We won’t be there until Thursday at this rate.”

“It’s not even three yet, we’re fine.”

“It’ll be three in two minutes and we’re ten minutes away.”

Dan reached over and poked Phil’s cheek. “Stop stressing, you spoon.”

“Eli’s going to be waiting and wondering why we aren’t there.”

“Eli will be too busy with his friends to even care about us not being there. See, his friends will still be there because not everyone shows up exactly at three o’clock.”

Phil slumped back in his seat, crossing his arms. “I’m just saying, I could’ve taken the shortcut.”

Dan looked over at him. “You mean the shortcut that adds twenty minutes? The shortcut that made Eli late to his first day of school?”

“Hey! That shortcut might add time, but it removes traffic.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Look, we’re about to reach a side street. I’ll just turn down it and we’ll be at the school.”

“Thank God.”

 

Ten minutes later they were at the school.

They knew something was wrong the moment they pulled up. The kids from Eli’s grade weren’t outside, but a ton of parents were.

Dan parked along the curb and both he and Phil quickly exited the car.

Katie immediately walked up to them both. “Have you heard?” She asked, her eyes bloodshot.

“Heard what?” Dan asked, his voice already shaking.

“Th- There was an accident. I got a call from work. Did you not get a call?”

Phil reached into his pocket and grabbed his phone. “No, nothing. What happened?”

“The bus got hit by a truck or something, I don’t know.” Tears started pouring down her cheeks. “They’re bringing the uninjured kids back here. They said for the parents to wait here and then if your child doesn’t come, then they’re a- at the hospital.”

Dan felt like his heart was going to come out of his chest. “They don’t know who’s coming back here?” He asked, his voice rising.

Katie shook her head. “No, the- they won’t tell us anything and I-” She clutched onto her chest as she began to sob.

Phil didn’t know what else to do, so he quickly put his arms around her and gave her a hug. “It’ll be okay,” he said, looking over at Dan. Dan wasn’t sure if he was talking to him, Katie, or himself.

“They’re telling us to go to the cafeteria!” A man yelled so all the parents could hear.

Everyone began making their way to the cafeteria. Some parents were yelling, others were crying, a few were trying to find news reports, and some were just silently waiting.

“Why won’t you tell us anything?!” One woman yelled once they were all inside.

The principal stood up in front of the crowd. “We currently do not have anymore information that we are sharing. We do not want to give out potentially false reports. There is a small bus of children on their way. If your child does not arrive, then you will be directed to the correct hospital.”

“Wait, I found a report on the accident!” A man yelled as he stared down at his phone.

“Sir-” The principal tried to stop him, but he cut her off.

“A large truck hit into the school bus,” He read, filtering through the pointless nonsense to get to the information. “The back of the bus appears to be fine, but the front took a hard hit. The bus driver was pronounced dead at the scene as well as-” He froze.

“As well as what?!” Someone yelled.

“Five others,” he finished, his voice quieter than before.

People started screaming and yelling. Dan and Phil looked at each other over Katie, who was crying with her head in her hands.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Phil repeated, rubbing Katie’s back. “Eli and Jenny always sit in the back,” he said, nodding at Dan, who had gone pale. “They always do, and the back was fine.”

Dan nodded, taking what he felt was the first breath since they arrived at the school.

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. They’re fine. They’re fine.”

 

The longest fifteen minutes of all of these families lives passed by, and the principal stood back up in the front of the room. “The bus has arrived!” She announced. “Please remain seated. Your kids will find you. We need to keep this as quick and efficient as possible.”

No one was listening by that point. They were all standing, staring at the door, waiting for their child to walk through.

Dan moved over to stand next to Phil. He, Phil, and Katie, waited, holding their breath as the first child came into view.

It wasn’t Eli.

Another child walked in. And another. And two more.

Each new child that walked in resorted in parents breaking down into happy tears.

Dan and Phil couldn’t wait until they’d get to do that.

Two more children came in. And another. And then… Jenny.

Katie burst into tears, then ran over to her and picked her up, holding onto her as tightly as she could.

Dan grabbed onto Phil’s hand. “Please, please, please,” he found himself repeating. Phil squeezed his hand tightly.

Two more kids walked into the room. And then nothing. There were still ten sets of parents without their children.

The principal stood up in front of the remaining parents. “If your child has not been released to you, they are at St. Thomas Hospital. Please go to the A&E there for more information.”

“Phil,” Dan said, his voice so small. He felt like he wasn’t able to move.

Phil looked over at him and noticed his eyes glazed over, like he had already given up hope. “Hey, hey! Look at me! He’s fine, okay? He probably got a scratch or something. He sits in the back, remember? He’s fine. Let’s go to the hospital and see him so he’s not worried, okay?”

Dan nodded, blinking rapidly to make the tears leave his eyes. “Okay. Okay.”

 

Phil drove to the hospital, knowing Dan would never be able to do it. Dan had given up the keys without argument.

The drive was silent, but fast. All of the cars had police escorting them to the hospital.

When they got into the A&E, a nurse was already waiting for them.

“Please, take a seat. We know you want answers and we will provide them to you as we can. Doctors will be coming out one by one to call you back so you can see you children!”

“We heard there were fatalities!” A woman exclaimed from the back. “Is that true?”

The nurse looked down and took a deep breath. “Yes, unfortunately that is true. The bus driver passed away, as did one of the chaperones, an- and five children.”

Curses, gasps, and sobs were heard all around.

Phil put his hand behind Dan’s back and led them over to a couple of chairs. “We’ll see him soon,” he reassured Dan. “We will.”

A few minutes passed before a doctor came out. “Family of Eva Jones and Caitlyn Moore!”

Two sets of parents quickly stood up, and the smile on the doctor’s face let them know that their children were okay.

A couple more minutes passed. “Family of Winnie Smith!”

Not even ten seconds after the family went back, screaming could be heard. Blood curdling screams that could only mean one thing.

“Eli always said Winnie was nice,” Dan said as he stared down at the floor.

“Family of Sarah Daniels and Julie Evans!”

Two more sets of parents stood up. This doctor had a smile on his face. Their kids were okay.

“Family of Joshua Riley!”

Another set of parents. Another smiling doctor.

Dan looked around the room. “Phil?”

“Yeah?” Phil asked, turning to look at Dan.

“Th- There’s only four.”

“Four what?”

Dan met Phil’s eyes. “Four sets of parents,” He said, already feeling the room spinning.

“That doesn’t mean anything, Dan.”

“But, Winnie is- and they said five were-”

“Dan, don’t!” Phil interrupted. His voice was deep and demanding. “They might have made a mistake. We don’t know for sure yet. He always sits in the back.”

“Phil-”

“Family of Eli Howell-Lester!” a doctor interrupted.

Phil jumped up, but Dan wasn’t so quick. He didn’t want to reach the doctor. He didn’t want to hear anything come out of the man’s mouth. This doctor wasn’t smiling. He wasn’t smiling.

The doctor led them into an office just a few steps away from the waiting room.

“Don’t,” Dan said, looking at the doctor with pleading eyes.

“Dan, let him talk,” Phil said, looking from Dan to the doctor with hopeful eyes. “He’s fine, right? He always sits in the back of the bus, and the back of the bus wasn’t hurt, so he’s fine. Right?”

The doctor stared at them both, and Dan could swear he saw tears in the man’s eyes.

“Don’t. Please, don’t,” Dan begged. The room was swaying again, and Dan knew he wouldn’t be able to stand much longer.

Thankfully, the doctor realized this and caught him under the arms as Dan began to fall.

“I’m so sorry,” The doctor said as he helped Dan onto the ground. “I’m sorry.”

Phil was breathing heavily. He hadn’t even noticed Dan fall. “What do you mean?” He asked. “What do you mean? He sits in the back of the bus. The back of the bus was fine! He’s fine!” Phil yelled.

“I can’t breathe,” Dan said, holding onto his chest. “I can’t breathe.”

“He didn’t feel any pain,” The doctor told them. His voice was so gentle, but it sounded like a knife being pierced into their body over and over. “It was instant.”

Dan closed his eyes tightly, curling his knees up to his chest. “Stop. Please, just stop,” He said, burying his face into his knees. He rocked back and forth as tears fell from his eyes.

Phil stood motionless, just staring at the wall in front of him. “He always sits in the back.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It appears I made a lot of people cry. I'm about to do that again, I think.
> 
> Are your tissues handy?

No one reads the book for this. They had bought ten different books on raising a baby, but they didn’t plan on this.

These books tell you what to do for crying babies, sick babies, methods for feeding and sleeping, getting through the first year. They don’t have a special chapter on what to do when your child dies.

There _are_ books. There are books that tell you how to grieve. How to get past this unbearable pain that floods every part of your body. But, you don’t get those books until after the pain. You aren’t taught how to deal with this pain until it’s almost too late. 

So, you don’t know. You just don’t know.

 

Phil doesn’t remember driving home. He doesn’t remember getting into the car, or Dan getting in the passenger seat. He doesn’t remember turning the ignition on or backing out of the hospital parking lot. He doesn’t remember the route he took back to the house. But, somehow, he’s in the driveway, and he’s got the car in park, and they’re home.

They’re home.

But they’re not.

Nothing makes any sense. Neither of them are getting out of the car. Neither of them are speaking. Had Dan spoken at all the whole ride home? Phil didn’t know. He didn’t know anything. 

Phil turned the car off and unbuckled his seatbelt, but still didn’t make any attempt to leave the vehicle.

He looked over at Dan for what could have been the first time, he couldn’t tell you, to see a constant stream of tears falling down his face.

When did he start crying?

Had he ever stopped?

Dan’s eyes were closed and his head was leaned as far back into the headrest as it could go.

What was Phil supposed to say? Was he supposed to speak? Talking didn’t feel right. 

Being silent didn’t either.

“I-” Phil tried to say something, but it burned his throat to talk. Why was his throat burning? Why did his mouth taste like bile? Did he throw up? When did he throw up?

The sound of Phil’s voice, even just for that brief moment, caused Dan to lift his head and open his eyes. Phil was still looking at him, but Dan just stared straight ahead. His brown eyes were red and puffy and tears still fell as though they’d never stop.

“I don’t know what to do,” Dan said, his words starting out quiet but rising as he began to cry hard and deep now.

Without even thinking, Phil leaned over and wrapped Dan up in a hug. “I don’t either,” he responded, his throat burning more with each word. “I don’t either.”

 

They held onto each other for a long time, afraid to let go. Afraid that letting go would mean they’d have to go inside. They’d have to face life. How could they face life right now? How was the world still going along like nothing happened? How were people walking down the street with their dogs, or going for a run, or getting in their cars and going places? 

But, they couldn’t stay in the car forever. 

And they had to let each other go sometime.

So, they did. 

Dan took off his seatbelt and took a very shaky breath, then opened his car door as Phil did the same.

As Dan stepped out of the car, he realized just how wobbly his legs were. They felt like jelly. He had to hold onto the car as he took the first few steps, only letting go when he had no choice.

Phil came around from the other side and waited until Dan was beside him for them to walk to the front door.

With a shaky hand, Phil fumbled a couple of times before managing to get the key in the doorknob. He twisted the key and the door unlocked with a click that seemed far too loud. 

Phil took the key out and opened the door. He and Dan took one step inside, then they both stopped.

Memories. There were memories everywhere. Pictures, toys, and things that shouldn’t even make them think about their boy, but they did. The staircase that he almost fell down when he was three, the TV where he watched Winnie the Pooh all day, every day for an entire year, the coffee table that he held onto as he stood for the first time. Every piece of that house was filled with memories of Eli.

“I can’t,” Phil heard Dan say behind him. “I can’t stay here. I can’t.”

Phil nodded. He understood. He didn’t want to be here either. He turned to Dan and handed him the keys. “I’ll be right out. I’m going to get my wallet. We’ll get a hotel.”

Dan left the house without another word, and Phil watched as he got back into the passenger seat and reached over to turn the car on.

Phil had to put mental blinders on to get through the house. He walked over to the coffee table and grabbed his wallet. He started to head out the door, but stopped when he realized they’d need clothes.

He turned toward the staircase, but he couldn’t bring himself to climb the stairs. He’d have to pass Eli’s room. He couldn’t.

Instead, he rushed toward the laundry room. He grabbed up a bag that was there to take clean clothes up to their room and opened the dryer. Thankfully, they had forgotten to fold the clothes and put them away, so he stuffed them from the dryer into the bag.

He didn’t even think about getting anything else. The hotel would have free shampoo and conditioner and whatever else they might need.

Every second in this house felt like it was draining him of his own life. Phil rushed out the door, locking it before he closed it, and headed for the car.

 

Phil drove for over an hour before stopping at a hotel. They had passed plenty of them, but they weren’t far enough away. He needed away from all the locations he’d go with Eli. He needed away from the familiar parks, and ice cream parlors, and bowling alleys. 

Dan never said anything. He never mentioned that they could stop at this hotel or that hotel. He just stared out the window. Stared as they passed every place they’d take Eli. He doesn’t remember his heart ever hurting this much. Was it normal for your heart to hurt this much? How could he feel this much pain throughout his entire body but still be able to function? Was he even functioning? 

Dan wiped the tears off of his cheeks. God, he didn’t know it was possible to cry for this long without running out of tears. But, somehow, they just kept falling and they wouldn’t stop and nothing really made any sense. His mind felt like a tornado, just swirling around with so many thoughts but no true structure to any of them. If he didn’t know any better, he’d swear his head was red and filling up with lava that was about to explode.

Headache.

That’s what it was. He had a headache.

A migraine, really. How had he forgotten what a migraine was?

“I’ll get us checked in,” Phil said. 

Dan nodded, ignoring the throbbing pain that was beating in the back of his skull. The pain was fine. He could handle it. It didn’t matter anyway.

 

Ten minutes later, they were heading up to the second floor of the hotel. It wasn’t anything fancy. Just a queen bed, a small kitchen area with a microwave and mini fridge, a table with two chairs in the corner, and a bathroom. It was linked to another room, but both of the adjoining doors were locked tight.

It looked like every other basic hotel in the world.

Which is probably why it hurt so much to even be in here.

Eli loved hotels. He loved seeing the rooms, jerking the curtains back to check their view, doing a couple of jumps on the bed to see how soft the mattress was, and, for some reason, checking out what the toilet looked like.

Dan went straight to the bed and laid down, turning away from Phil and closing his eyes.

Phil didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to lie down. He didn’t want to stand up. He wanted to run. He wanted to run and run and run until he forgot how to feel or think or-

His thoughts were cut off by his phone buzzing in his pocket. He got it out of his pocket and checked who was calling.

_ Mum _

Oh God, he’d have to tell them. He’d have to tell his family, and Dan’s family, and all of their friends, and why don’t they just know? Why will he have to tell them?

He stared at his phone until his mum hung up, then the time shined bright on his phone.  _ 8:46PM _ . They’d be getting Eli ready for bed right now. He’d probably be playing in the tub while Dan knocked on the door, telling him he had five minutes before the wrath of God came in and pulled him out of the tub. Eli would laugh and- 

No. No, Phil couldn’t think about that. 

“I need,” he said, finally breaking the much too long silence. “I need to call my mum back.”

His only response was a snuffling noise coming from Dan.

“Do you... Do you want me to call yours too?”

He could see Dan cover his face with one of his hands as he shook his head. “I don’t care,” he said, his voice so quiet Phil could barely hear him. “I don’t care, I don’t care.”

Phil took a deep breath. “I’ll be back in a bit,” he said, turning and heading out of the room.

Phil left the room and walked to the end of the hall. He found himself sitting down, leaning his back against the cold wall, as he called his mum back.

“Hello, Child!” She answered. Just hearing her cheery voice made Phil break down into sobs. “What? What is it?” She asked, her voice now filled with worry. She could hear that Phil was almost hyperventilating. 

“H- He’s g- gone,” Phil said as he gasped for breath. 

“Who Phil?” She asked, her voice demanding. She needed answers.

“I don’t know w- what to do, Mum. He’s g- gone and I don’t-”

“Philip Lester! Tell me what you are speaking about right now!”

“E- Eli,” Phil said, and he could feel his heart break even more just from saying his name. “There was a- an accident with the bus and h- he’s…” Phil’s voice trailed off, but he didn’t need to say anything else.

Kathryn knew. She wished she didn’t, but she did.

“Philip,” she said, sounding like she was a blink away from breaking down herself. “Philip, where is Daniel?”

“We’re at a hotel. H- He’s in the r- room.”

“You need to go b- back to him, Phil.” He could tell she was trying to be strong for him.

“I- I have to call his parents,” Phil replied weakly. He stomach clenched at the thought of making another phone call. 

“I’ll take care of it, Phil.”

“Mum, I- I can’t…” He paused as his stomach clenched again, and he suddenly sat up straighter. “I’m gonna throw up,” he said, gagging already.

All that came up was bile, and it made his already sore throat even worse. Because he had already thrown up today, sometime, although he still didn’t know when.

Then there was another voice in his ear. It was his dad. His mum must not have been able to control her emotions any longer.

“Phil, get up and go back to Dan,” Nigel said, and Phil could tell he was crying too. “We’ll be there soon.”

“Dad, it hurts,” Phil said. His voice, and everything else, was shaking. He couldn’t even hardly hold the phone up to his ear.

“I’m sorry, Son,” Nigel said, his voice too soft. Phil had never heard him speak so softly, and it just made everything worse. “I’m so sorry.”

“I- I have to go,” Phil said, wiping his nose with the sleeve of his shirt. “I have to go.”

“We love you, Phil,” Nigel said. Phil hung up, not able to respond.

Slowly, he reached back to hold onto the wall as he stood up. His legs were shaking and he had to keep one arm against the wall just to walk back toward the room.

He was moving slowly, unable to go at a faster pace. He was exhausted. Emotionally and physically exhausted. 

As he walked down the hall, an unwanted memory flashed through his mind.

 

_ “This hallway is huge!” Eli exclaimed, skipping toward their room. _

_ “Not so loud,” Dan scolded gently, “It’s late. People are already sleeping.” _

_ “Pappy, can we play out here tomorrow?” _

_ “You want to play in the hallway?” Phil asked with a laugh. _

_ Eli nodded. “We can race!” _

_ “Yes, because if there is one thing either of us are good at, it’s physical activity,” Dan replied. _

_ “You only like to race because you know you’ll win,” Phil reminded Eli. _

_ “That’s why it’s fun, Pappy!” Eli stopped skipping and turned around to look at Phil. “Please?” He asked, folding his hands together and giving Phil his best puppy-dog face, “Please, please, please!” _

_ Phil rolled his eyes and groaned. “Okay, fine! But you have to give me a three second head start!” _

_ “Yes!” Eli cheered, jumping up and down. _

 

Phil shook his head, forcing the memories to disappear. As he reached the door to his and Dan’s room, he stopped. He wiped at his face and took a few deep breaths. Dan didn’t need to see him like this. He needed to be strong for him. 

He unlocked the door and walked inside, making sure to close the door back quietly in case Dan was asleep.

Sure enough, Dan appeared to be fast asleep. His breathing had evened out and Phil couldn’t hear him snuffling anymore. He had probably cried himself to sleep while Phil was gone.

Phil couldn’t be bothered to change. He quietly went into the bathroom and shut the door before turning on the light.

When he looked at himself in the mirror, he realized just how terrible he looked.

He couldn’t be bothered to care.

He used the toilet, then opened up a mini bottle of mouthwash that the hotel already had in their room. He swirled it around in his mouth for a few seconds, then spit it out. 

He had forgotten to ask the hotel staff for toothbrushes, but that didn’t matter to him right now. 

Nothing mattered.

He took off his glasses, turned on the faucet and filled his hands with water, then splashed it on his face. 

He grabbed a small towel and dabbed his face dry, put his glasses back on, then turned off the light and walked over to the bed.

 

He laid there for God only knows how long, staring toward the ceiling but not able to see anything in the blackness of the night. He had taken his glasses off a while ago, leaving the world to look as blurry as the rest of his body felt.

He had looked over at the clock a couple of times, even though he knew doing so was pointless. The green blob almost seemed to mock him.

He could have put his glasses on, but the time didn’t matter that much to him.

Nothing mattered.

Nothing mattered.

Nothing mattered.

Suddenly, Dan shot up in bed, causing Phil to jump. “What? What’s wrong?” Phil asked, searching for his glasses.

“I heard Eli,” Dan replied, standing up. “He must’ve had a nightmare. I’ll go check.”

Phil put his glasses on and flicked the lamp on beside him. “Dan,” he said, his voice soft but firm. 

“I told you he wasn’t old enough to stay in an adjoining room,” Dan said, shaking his head as he walked toward the adjoining room door.

“Dan,” Phil repeated, standing up.

Dan reached for the door with one hand, rubbing his tired eyes with the other. As he went to turn the doorknob, he froze. When had they decided to go on a trip? They never agreed to letting Eli stay in an adjoining room.

“Wait, why are we-”

“Dan,” Phil said for a third time. He was right behind Dan now.

Phil reached out and put a hand on Dan’s back as Dan’s shoulders slumped and he returned to his zombie-like state.

It was a moment of the thickest silence either of them had ever felt.

“I’m gonna… I need to take a walk,” Dan said, moving away from Phil’s touch.

“I’ll come with you.”

“No,” Dan replied quickly. “No, I want to be alone. Please.”

He sounded desperate. So, incredibly desperate.

“Alright. I’ll be here.”

Dan nodded and left the room. 

Phil stood there for a minute, just staring at the door, before turning to look at the time.  _ 11:46. _

It wasn’t even midnight. He knew neither of them would be getting anymore sleep either.

It didn’t matter though.

Nothing mattered anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the lovely comments! This is a tough story to write, but I hope I'm doing an okay job. If you'd like to, you can follow me on tumblr at softgolftechniques.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended: Tissues

It’s quiet outside. There’s not much to the town that they’re in, wherever it is. Dan hadn’t been paying attention.

He walked around the hotel, his arms tightly crossed, almost as though he were hugging himself.

His head still pounded. It was like someone was taking a hammer and beating his head from the inside. It hurt so bad that it was hard to see, but Dan didn’t pay much attention to it.

He hadn’t noticed that he was crying until a tear hit his lip and he licked them, tasting the saltiness on his tongue. 

He sat down on the curb and placed his elbows on his legs, putting his head in his hands. 

He’s cold. He’s so, so cold. And his body is aching. He physically aches all over like he just ran a marathon that he hadn’t trained for. 

He just wanted to stop feeling. He wanted the pain that was inching through every part of his body to just stop. 

He wanted it all to be a nightmare. A terrible nightmare that he would just wake up from. 

Please, let it be a nightmare.

 

Something else that no one warns you about is that you have to deal with the aftermath of losing a loved one on your own. And maybe you’re prepared for that when the one you lose is a grandparent, or someone who has been terminally ill for a while, but when it’s your perfectly healthy child… Well, no one warns you.

It’s what Phil realized when he received a call from the hospital at nine o’clock the next morning.

Dan had come into the room about an hour after he had left it the night before. He went to the restroom, then walked straight to the bed and laid down. 

He didn’t sleep though. Neither of them did. They laid in silence until the sun rose. Only then did Phil hear Dan’s breathing even out. 

Phil had been sitting at the little table in the room, staring blankly at the wall when his phone started to buzz.

He answered without even looking at who it might have been.

He wished he hadn’t answered.

A woman spoke with him and, while she tried to be sympathetic, it was obvious that she made calls like this all the time. 

She rattled off information to him, telling him that he’d need to find a funeral home to take the body. He’d need to make sure it was all cleared between the funeral home and the hospital, and then the funeral home would take over from there.

Phil listened silently. All he could think about was the fact that his son was there. He was just a body lying in the morgue. He wasn’t special to anyone at that hospital. They didn’t know him the way he did. They didn’t know that he didn’t like to get too cold, or that he thought certain sheets were itchy. They didn’t know that he needed his hair to be brushed over to the side, or that he hated the feeling of latex gloves. They didn’t know him, and he was there, and he wasn’t with his parents anymore.

And suddenly, Phil was in the bathroom again. And he was dry heaving into the toilet. And he had hung up the phone at some point, but he doesn’t really remember when.

They were going to have to make all of these decisions. They were going to have to choose whether their child gets buried or cremated. They’d have to choose a casket or an urn. It was almost like a form of torture. Not only is your child gone, but now you’re responsible for taking care of everything else that goes along with it. You’re forced to make decisions when the only thing you want to do is close your eyes, cover your ears, scream as loud as you can, and then wait for the world to just disappear.

 

At some point, Phil finds himself able to get up off of the bathroom floor.

He leaves the room and goes back out into the hall. A hallway that now smells like Lysol because someone found his puke at some point and had to clean it up.

He looks up funeral homes on his phone, not letting him think of the reason why he’s doing so.

_ It’s for a friend. It’s for research. It’s for me so I can know where I’m going when I die. _

He finally found one that had five stars, and it made him wonder who actually takes out the time to rate a funeral home? Who is able to have the sense to do that?

He calls the number though, and waits for someone to answer.

“MaCarthur Funeral Home and Crematorium. This is Eleanor, how may I help you?”

God, what was Phil supposed to say. “My… My son, h- he’s at the hospital and you… They said someone has to pick him up.” Tears are falling down his face now and he’s trying not to cry too hard or he’s going to have to repeat himself.

“Okay, Sir,” she responds, her voice much softer now. “Can you tell me what hospital?”

“St. Thomas.”

“Okay. We will be able to help you, but I will need some information. Is that alright?”

“Y- yeah.”

So, she asks questions. What’s his name? His age? Date of birth? Date of death? Names of the parents? Can you spell that for me?

It’s one question and confirmation after another and Phil isn’t sure how much more he can take when she finally says she is finished.

“You will have to call the hospital and confirm all of this with them as well. We will pick Eli up today.”

Phil’s bottom lip quivers. “Will you… Will you be gentle, please?” He asks, beginning to break down.

“Of course we will, Sir. We will take excellent care of him. And when you and your husband are ready, you can come down and make proper arrangements.”

Phil nods, because he can’t speak. He realizes after a moment that she can’t hear him, so he manages to mutter out an, “Okay,” before hanging up.

He sits down, leaning against their hotel door, and cries. He cries and cries, deep, heavy sobs, and he swears he can feel his heart actually breaking. 

 

Dan and Phil were both lying in bed. They had been for a few hours now. Dan had only gotten up once to use the restroom, but he came right back to bed and fell asleep again.

Phil went from dozing off with his glasses on, to waking up and staring at the clock on the bedside table. 

_ 5:46 _

_ 5:47 _

_ 5:48 _

It was his reminder that time was still going on. The world hadn’t stopped spinning. 

He hated that reminder. Still, for some reason, he couldn’t look away.

_ 5:49 _

He was pulled out of his thoughts by a knock on the door. He didn’t want to get up, and Dan made no attempt to move either.

Another knock. This time accompanied by a familiar voice.

“Philip? Daniel? It’s Mum and Dad,” Kathryn said through the door.

Dan lifted his head a couple of inches off the pillow, but quickly laid it back down.

Phil found just enough energy to stand up and walk to the door.

When he opened it, he was immediately embraced by his mum, who had tears in her eyes. “Oh, my child,” she whispered as she held onto him. “My child.”

He hugged her tighter in return.

When she finally let him go, his dad stepped in and wrapped him in another hug. 

Nigel’s hugs were firmer. While they didn’t have the softness of Kathryn’s hugs, they were more stable. He felt safe, like his dad was holding him together.

“How did you know where we were?” Phil asked as his dad let him go.

Kathryn put her hand on Phil’s shoulder. “You told us, Darling. When I called you a few hours ago.”

Phil didn’t remember that. When had she called? How did he not remember talking to her? How did he not remember giving her directions?

He could tell that he must’ve looked extremely confused, because as he looked between his parents, they both looked concerned.

“It’s… It’s been a long day.” It’s the only excuse he could think of.

Kathryn nodded and Nigel patted Phil’s back. 

“Where is Dan?” Kathryn asked, and that’s when Phil realized they were all still standing in the doorway.

“Oh! He- he’s over here,” Phil said, leading them into the room. “Dan?” He said quietly, even though he knew Dan was awake. He walked around the bed so he could see Dan’s face. “Dan, Mum and Dad are here.”

Dan opened his eyes and looked up at Phil, then glanced over at his parents. His eyes were bloodshot and filled with tears. He shut them back as a few tears escaped.

Phil let out a deep breath, staring down at the ground.

“Phil? How long has it been since you showered?” Kathryn asked, taking a few steps closer to her son and putting an arm around his back.

“Um, I don’t know. A couple… A couple days, I think.”

Kathryn nodded, then looked back at Nigel. “Nigel, why don’t you take him to our room and have him shower.”

As Nigel nodded, Phil protested. “Oh, no, I can’t. I- I need to stay-”

“I’ll stay with Daniel, Darling. Get a change of clothes and go with your father.”

Phil wanted to say no, but he couldn’t. He knew he’d never win an argument against his mum anyway.

“O- Okay,” He said, looking over at Dan again. He walked closer to Dan and placed a hand on his shoulder, retracting slightly when Dan flinched at the touch. “I’ll be back in a bit, Dan, alright?”

“We’ll be fine, Phil,” Kathryn assured him. “Take your time.”

Phil nodded. He walked over to his and Dan’s bag of clothes and quickly fished out a new shirt, pants, and underwear. 

Nigel gave Kathryn a hug, then walked over to Phil, putting his hand on Phil’s back as he led them out of the room.

 

It took Phil awhile to shower and get dressed. He hoped that maybe he’d feel better once he did, but he didn’t.

If anything, it somehow made him feel worse.

When he came out of the bathroom, Nigel was gathering up his wallet and keys.

“What are you doing?” Phil asked.

“There’s a cafe down the street. We’re going to get you something to eat.”

Phil shook his head. “Dad, I can’t.”

“When was the last time you ate, Phil?” Nigel asked, looking over at Phil. 

“I can’t eat, Dad, I keep getting sick.”

“We’ll get you something light,” Nigel replied, moving toward the door. “But, you and Dan have to eat. Come on.”

Phil wanted to argue, but he didn’t. His dad sounded so determined… So worried. Phil figured he could go and try to eat something, even if he’d just throw it up later.

 

They sat down in the cafe after ordering a couple of bowls of soup and some water. 

“Have you slept at all?” Nigel asked. He was giving him a look that Phil had seen so many times before. It was his “and you better not lie to me” face.

“Dad, it’s only been a day,” Phil replied, rubbing his eyes.

“Phil, you can’t stay awake forever.”

“I dozed off a couple of times. Last night was rough.”

Nigel nodded, staring down at his cup of water. “I can’t imagine.”

Phil looked out the window beside him, just watching as cars passed by. 

“Dan thought he heard him last night,” he said after a couple minutes of silence.

“What?”

Phil turned back to look at his dad. “Dan had fallen asleep and he woke up thinking E- Eli was crying.” He bit at his bottom lip. He couldn’t cry here. 

“Dear God,” Nigel mumbled, wiping his hands over his face. 

The conversation paused as a waitress brought over their soup.

“It took him a while to fully wake up and realize,” Phil continued once she had left. “We didn’t feel much like sleeping after that.”

“I’m sure.”

“Dan finally fell asleep once the sun came up, but I just couldn’t. I had to… I had to call the funeral home.” The strong scent of Phil’s chicken noodle soup overcame him in that moment, making him start to gag.

“Alright, Phil, let’s… let’s focus on one thing at a time,” Nigel said as Phil placed his head in his hands. “Let’s focus on getting some food in you, then we’ll focus on taking food back to Dan and getting him to eat as well. Okay?”

Phil took a deep breath and nodded shakily. “O- okay.”

Nigel watched closely as Phil picked up his spoon. He dipped into the soup and got one noodle and some broth, then stared at it.

“Phil,” Nigel said, his voice soft but firm, “We aren’t leaving until you’ve eaten something. You don’t have to eat it all; take a few bites.”

Phil took a bite, chewing the noodle a few times before swallowing. The soup left a sharp taste in his mouth, and he knew it wouldn’t stay in his system for very long, but he still put the spoon back into the bowl and took another bite.

 

When Nigel and Phil left the hotel room, Kathryn took one of the chairs and moved it over by Dan. She sat down and began carding her fingers softly through Dan’s hair. It was something she did with her boys when they were young and sick or sad. It always seemed to help calm them down, which, in return, helped her.

“Your parents will be in tomorrow,” she informed him. “They’ve tried calling you a few times. I told them I would speak with them once I saw you. I know you don’t feel much like talking.”

Dan didn’t move, but Kathryn knew he was awake. His breathing wasn’t steady, and an occasional tear would fall from his eyes. She had also raised two boys who often liked to pretend they were asleep. She knew all the signs.

“Martyn and Cornelia wanted to come right away, but I told them to wait a few days. I know the last thing you would want is everyone crowding around you.”

Still, nothing from Dan.

“Daniel? Could you just open your eyes for me? So I know you’re alright?”

Dan didn’t move at first, but after almost a minute had passed, he slowly blinked his eyes open. He didn’t look at Kathryn though, instead staring blankly ahead.

“Thank you, Dear,” she said. She moved her hand from his hair just long enough to wipe the tears off of his cheeks. “Would you speak to me, Daniel? Do you want some water? Or a shower, perhaps? Nigel and Phil have gone to get some food for you.”

She was met with silence again. A long, painful silence. When Dan closed his eyes again, she almost gave up. Then, he spoke.

“It hurts to breathe,” he said. He was so quiet she had to take a moment to process his words.

“I know, Honey,” she replied, her own eyes filling with tears. 

He opened his eyes and stared straight ahead again. “I don’t know… I don’t know what to do.”

“Right now, the only thing you have to do is keep breathing.”

“I don’t want to.”

Kathryn wiped a tear from her own cheek. “Daniel, why don’t we get you a shower? It may help.”

“Nothing helps.”

“Please, Daniel. Do it for your mum-in-law.”

Dan blinked out a few more tears before sitting up. Almost as though he were a robot, he walked toward the bathroom. 

“I’ll leave some fresh clothes right outside the door,” Kathryn said as Dan closed the bathroom door.

 

Dan turned on the water and took off his clothes, stepping into the shower without bothering to wait until the water became warm.

He flinched as the freezing temperatures touched his back, but he found he didn’t mind it.

He turned the faucet so the water would stay cold. At least this made him feel something. It made his body chill and shake for a different reason. 

He leaned his head back and closed his eyes, letting the water run down his hair and face.

 

_ “Come on! You can do it! Come on!” Dan encouraged as he sat on the living room floor. He was a few steps away from Eli, who was standing and holding onto the coffee table. _

_ “Phil! Where are you?! He could do it at any time!” _

_ “I’m trying to find the good camera!” Phil called back from upstairs. “Where did you put it?” _

_ “I don’t know! Just use your phone!” _

_ “Ugh!” Phil groaned as he headed back downstairs. “This is a good camera moment, not a phone camera moment!” _

_ “Well, it’s going to be a missed moment if you don’t sit your butt down by me and watch.” _

_ Phil sat down beside Dan and smiled at Eli as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. _

_ “Come on, Eli! Come to your daddies!” Phil looked over at Dan, pointing his now-recording phone at him, “We should really figure out our names, Dan.” _

_ Dan glared at the camera. “We are not getting into this conversation again, esp-” he stopped as he glanced over at Eli. “Oh my God, Phil! He’s about to do it!” _

_ Phil quickly turned the camera back to Eli, who was no longer holding onto the table. _

_ “Come on! Come on!” Dan said, his voice going to a higher pitch each time. _

_ “Go, Eli, go!” Phil said excitedly. _

_ Eli stared blankly at them. _

_ “He’s already mocking us, Phil,” Dan joked.  _

_ “I know! They start so young now days!” _

_ Suddenly, Eli lifted a leg and moved it forward. A couple more seconds passed, then he did the same thing with his other leg. _

_ “Yay!” Phil cheered. _

_ “Woo!” Dan yelled. “Eli achievement unlocked! First step skill acquired!” _

_ “He’s gonna do another one!” Phil said, his voice shaking with happy laughter. _

_ They both got quiet as Eli took another step, and then one more, before falling onto his diaper-padded butt. _

_ “Yay!” Dan yelled, standing up. He swooped Eli up and kissed his cheek. “You did it! You did it!” He repeated in a silly voice, making Eli laugh. _

_ “We’ve got the smartest baby in the world,” Phil said, zooming the camera in on Dan and Eli. _

_ Dan smiled wide, rolling his eyes at Phil. He didn’t protest though, because he was thinking the same thing. _

 

Dan gasped, opening his eyes. He wasn’t sure how long he had been standing like that, or how long he had gone without taking a proper breath. All he knew was his legs felt too weak to stand on. He found himself gripping onto the bathroom wall as he slid down into the tub. 

If he could turn the shower up more to make it louder, or do something that would just make the rest of the world disappear, he would. 

He just wanted everything to go away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you all so much for the kind words! I have heard stories from some of you about losing loved ones and I just want to say that I am sorry for your loss. I have lost quite a few people in my life, so writing this is kind of therapeutic. It seems it may be that way for some of you as well. 
> 
> I feel kind of drained after writing these chapters, so I'm not sure what else to say, but please continue to comment and let me know what you think. If you'd like to talk with me, I'm softgolftechniques on tumblr. 
> 
> Thanks again!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know the drill...

The entire next week is a blur to Phil. It’s a blur filled with family arriving, friends finding out, and having to make decisions at the funeral home.

At some point during the week, Kathryn had a doctor come to the hotel and give Dan and Phil some medication for their respective problems. For Phil, it was so he would stop vomiting and so he could get some sleep.

For Dan it was so he could have moments where he wasn’t crying.

Phil doesn’t even remember picking out a casket, but at some point he and Dan had been driven to the funeral home. At some point they had picked out the spot for their child to be buried. At some point they had picked a day for the service.

And now, they’re at the funeral. Phil looks around, staring at all the familiar faces. Family and friends who have travelled from all over the world to be here for them. Had he even talked to them? Had Dan? He didn’t know. It didn’t matter.

He looked over at Dan, who was staring at the casket. Dan wasn’t crying. Dan hadn’t cried much the last few days. Not since the medication kicked in. 

Dan still didn’t sleep at night. He’d pass out for most of the day, then lie awake all night long. 

Most of Phil’s medication was untouched. He had taken the pills for a couple of days, but he didn’t like how they made him feel. Too many moments had already been slipping from his mind lately. He didn’t need something making it even worse.

Phil looked at the casket. The casket his child was inside of. His child, who was wearing clothes that Dan’s mum had to go pick out at the store because neither Dan or Phil could bring themselves to do it. His child who didn’t like the dark and, when Phil mentioned that, Kathryn bought glow in the dark stars to go in the casket with him. 

Phil looked around at the crowd again. There had to be over a hundred people. It struck him that, if this many people knew, the whole world probably knew. It made Phil wonder if his son had been used as a headline story and, if so, how many times.

He didn’t want to know.

Neither of them know if there is a reception planned for after the funeral, but they know they’re not going. The last thing either of them want is to be surrounded by people who'll bring up memories.

 

Another thing Phil wished he’d been warned about is the day when everyone goes home. There’s a day when Dan’s parents have to leave, and Phil’s too. There’s a day when all the friends who came to support you have to go back to work and their own families. This is a day you’d expect to finally have a bit of relief.

It turns out, it’s the exact opposite.

It’s the absolute worst day. It’s the day when the world really does go back to normal for _everyone_. It’s the day when you’re once again responsible for feeding yourself, and making sure you shower, and making sure you do your laundry and brush your hair. It’s the day when friends have grieved long enough, and family has to go back and grieve at their own homes.

It’s the day Dan asks, “What now?” and Phil doesn’t have an answer.

 

Another two days pass by in the tiny hotel room, and Phil thinks he might just go insane if he stays there any longer.

Dan is asleep, as he always is during the day, leaving Phil to walk the halls, or sit in the room silently. Both of those options leave too much time for thinking, and Phil feels he’s done far too much of that lately.

Phil looked over at their laundry pile, which didn’t have very much in it. He didn't care. It’s an excuse to leave, so he takes it.

He writes Dan a note and puts it on the desk, telling him he’s gone to the laundromat and he’ll be back in a few hours.

He picked up their laundry basket, his wallet, phone and his keys, then left.

When he got in the car, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and searched for a nearby laundromat. When he found one, he started the directions and left the hotel.

He followed the directions to the laundromat, which was only ten minutes from the hotel, but instead of turning he kept going straight. 

And he kept going.

And going.

And going.

Until he was home.

He was in his driveway, staring at his house.

A house he hadn’t been inside of in over a week.

A house he had spent the past week trying to forget about.

But he was here now, and he was getting his laundry basket out of the car, and he was going inside.

 

Phil unlocked the door and stepped into the house.

He looked around the living room, untouched since their nightmare began. Memories filled his mind again. Pictures of Eli were all over the house. Memories from the coffee table, the staircase, the TV.

Phil didn’t run away from the memories this time though. He took a deep breath, closed the front door, and headed toward the laundry room.

He started the small load of clothes, then walked back out to the living room. He found himself wandering over to the staircase. He stood at the bottom of the stairs for a while, just staring up toward the second floor. He could see Eli’s door cracked open, the sun shining into it from his window. 

Slowly, he started up the stairs. He wasn’t sure what was causing him to do this. He didn’t think he’d ever want to step foot in this house again. He hadn’t even been able to think about Eli’s room. But now he was standing outside the door, and he was pushing the door open.

He took a deep breath as he stared into his boy’s room. His bed had been left unmade, something Dan would’ve gotten annoyed about when he saw it. Phil was pretty sure that, after a while, Eli left it undone on purpose just to see Dan’s reaction. Phil was also pretty sure Dan still got annoyed because he knew Eli wanted him to.

There were toys on the floor. Some action figures, and a half completed Lego set. It had been that way for a couple of weeks. Every time they tried cleaning it up, Eli would stop them, promising he was going to finish it soon.

Some of his clothes were sticking out of his drawers. Dan and Phil had been having him put his own laundry away recently. 

“His inability to put things up the proper way is all your fault,” Dan would say as he opened each drawer and fixed all the clothes.

Phil walked further into the room. He bent down by the Lego set and picked up a piece.

 

_ “Holy shit balls!” Dan yelled from Eli’s room. _

_ Phil rushed from the bathroom, where he had been getting three year old Eli dressed for bed. “What happened?!” He asked. _

_ “I stepped on a fucking Lego!” Dan exclaimed, balancing on one foot. _

_ “What’s a fucking Lego?” Eli asked from behind Phil. Phil quickly turned around, neither of them knowing Eli had followed Phil. _

_ “It’s just a Lego piece, Eli,” Phil said, picking Eli up. _

_ “No, Daddy said it was a fucking Lego.” _

_ “Well, sometimes Daddy says things he shouldn’t,” Phil replied, glaring over at Dan. _

_ “Yes, let’s not repeat everything Daddy says,” Dan added, still only standing on one foot. _

_ “But what does fucking mean?” Eli asked, turning his head to the side. _

_ Phil took a deep breath. “It’s just something some people say when things happen to them that they don’t really want to happen.” _

_ Eli’s face scrunched up. “What?” _

_ Phil looked over at Dan, who was giving him the same look. “Yeah, what?” _

_ Phil groaned. “It’s like when something bad happens and you get aggravated so you add that word in to show it.” _

_ Eli nodded. “Oh,” he replied, although he was still obviously confused. _

_ “Okay, let’s just let Pappy figure that out for a while,” Dan said, limping over to Phil and taking Eli from him. “And let’s go to bed!” _

_ Eli groaned. “I’m not sleepy!” He said through a yawn. _

_ “Oh, I can tell.” Dan laid Eli down, wrapping him up in his space sheets and comforter.  _

_ He gave him a kiss and a hug. “Love you forever.” _

_ “Love you for always, Daddy.” _

_ Dan walked over to the door as Phil took his turn. “Love you forever, Eli. Sweet dreams.” _

_ “Love you for always, Pappy,” Eli replied, hugging Phil around the neck. Phil kissed Eli’s head, then walked over to Dan. _

_ “Goodnight,” They both said as Dan turned off the light. _

_ “Good fucking night!” Eli replied, causing Phil to switch the light back on. _

_ “Whoa!” He said, “I thought we weren’t going to use that word?” _

_ “You said to use it when you want to show you are ag-ara-vated. I don’t want goodnight yet.” _

_ Phil took a deep breath, nudging Dan with his elbow when he heard him laughing behind him. “Don’t use the word again, Eli.” _

_ Eli sighed. “Yes, Pappy.” _

_ Phil turned off the light, made sure his nightlight was still working in the corner of the room, then cracked Eli’s door.  _

_ “You’re a terrible person,” Phil said to Dan as they walked over to their room. _

_ “You’re the one who explained it like that!” Dan replied, still laughing. _

_ “You could’ve helped!” _

_ “Where’s the fun in that?” Dan smiled, moving closer to Phil. He wrapped his arms around Phil’s neck while Phil put his arms around Dan’s waist. _

_ “I stick to what I said before. You’re terrible.” The smile on Phil’s face betrayed his words. Leaning in and giving Dan a kiss right after he said it also betrayed his words. _

_ “You wanna do something we haven’t gotten to do in a while?” Phil asked as their kiss ended. _

_ Dan smiled widely, nodding. “You go make popcorn,” he said, letting go of Phil and patting his shoulder. “I’ll set up Mario Kart!”  _

_ Phil clapped his hands together. “Yes!” He exclaimed, quickly leaving the room. _

 

As the memory of that night faded, Phil found himself standing in Eli’s room, smiling. 

He had an actual smile on his face.

He wasn’t sure he even knew how to do that anymore.

It felt wrong.

It felt so horribly wrong that Phil felt sick to his stomach as it faded away.

He dropped the Lego back down onto the ground and walked over to Eli’s bed.

He sat down on it, feeling over the special giraffe pillow they got made for him the year before. 

He laid down on the bed, curling up tight on his side. He took a deep breath in as he closed his eyes. He could smell Eli’s strawberry-kiwi shampoo. It was the only shampoo he’d ever use. He’d often go to bed with wet hair- much to Dan’s dismay- causing the scent to soak into the pillow. Phil couldn’t be more grateful for that right now.

For the first time since Eli passed away, Phil fell into a peaceful sleep.

 

It was nearing seven o’clock when Dan finally woke up. Slowly, he got out of bed and made his way to the bathroom.

When he was done, he came back out and walked over to the table to get his bottle of pills. 

Before picking them up, he saw Phil’s note. After reading it, he crumbled it up and tossed it into the nearby trash can.

He picked up his bottle of pills, but he didn’t hear them rattling inside. When he opened the bottle, it was empty. 

He hadn’t been paying attention to the days. He hadn’t been paying attention to the fact the doctor only gave him enough medication to last until after the funeral. 

With an angry breath, he threw the empty pill bottle into the garbage.

He ran his fingers through his hair, moving the loose strands off of his forehead.

Dan looked around the room, noticing for the first time just how messy it had become. There were empty cups and paper plates lying around. Water bottles, napkins, bags from people bringing them food and groceries.

He grabbed up the trash can and began throwing everything into it. Each item would be tossed inside a little harsher, and his heart would beat a little faster.

When he threw a full bottle of water into the can, his other hand didn’t grip hard enough to hold the extra weight and all the garbage fell to the floor. Everything that had once been inside this tiny garbage can was now littering the ground. It wasn’t much stuff, not much could fit in the can, but it was enough to make Dan livid.

“Fuck!” He yelled, kicking the garbage can as hard as he could, making it fly across the room and loudly slam into the wall.

“Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!” He sunk to the ground, leaning his back against the wall. He held onto his head, gripping his hair. He felt like his head was going to explode. He was so angry he thought he might just burst into pieces. 

This was not how life was supposed to go. He was supposed to get to watch Eli grow up and become an artist, or astronaut, or garbage man, or whatever he wanted to be. He was supposed help him with geography while Phil helped him with English. He was supposed to get him ready for school dances. He was supposed to dread giving him “the talk” and eventually force Phil to do it. He was supposed to be able to fix all of his bruises and cuts. He was supposed to have more time to hold him when he cried. Or make him laugh. Or embarrass him in front of his future girlfriend or boyfriend. There were so many things he was supposed to be able to do that he wouldn’t get to do now.

And it was his fault. It was his fault. He should have gone with him. He should have gone with him on the trip. He should have been there to protect him and keep him safe.

But he wasn’t. He wasn’t there. He didn’t keep Eli safe. He didn’t do his job.

He wasn’t just sad anymore, he was angry. 

It was his fault.

He couldn't fix this.

It was his fault. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting! It'll be a few days before the next update, because I need to update my other story, but it won't take long!   
> Your comments have been so kind and helpful to me! Thank you so much!
> 
> Tumblr: softgolftechniques


	5. Chapter 5

By the time Phil got back to the hotel, it was dark outside. He had fallen asleep for hours, and was a bit disoriented when he woke up. 

When he realized how long he had slept, he got up and ran to the laundry room. He shoved the clothes into the dryer and waited half an hour before tossing them back into the bag and leaving for the hotel.

When he entered the hotel room, he expected Dan to be in the shower, or possibly just waking up to get ready to spend the rest of the night awake. 

He didn’t expect a small pile of trash on the floor, a garbage can knocked over, and Dan to be sitting against a wall. 

“What happened?” Phil asked cautiously, setting the bag of clothes on the ground.

Dan continued staring blankly ahead. Phil had gotten used to him looking empty, but Dan didn’t look empty right now. He looked angry.

“You’ve been gone a while,” Dan replied, ignoring Phil’s question. His voice betrayed his face. He didn’t sound angry. 

“I lost track of time. I didn’t want to wake you so I drove around for a while after doing laundry.”

Phil knew he shouldn’t have lied. He had no reason to lie. There was nothing wrong with him just going back to their house.

Still, for some reason he didn’t tell Dan the truth.

Dan nodded, then slowly stood up. “I need a shower,” he said, walking past Phil and locking himself in the bathroom.

Phil let out a deep breath. It was obvious he wasn’t going to get any answers about the mess. He knew he couldn’t question it too much anyway. If he was keeping a secret from Dan, Dan had the right to do the same thing.

 

Over the next week, Phil found every excuse he could to get out of the hotel. Sometimes he'd leave before Dan even fell asleep in the morning. 

_ “I need to get groceries.” _

_ “I have to pay this bill in person.” _

_ “I need some new clothes.” _

_ “My mum asked me to do her a favor.” _

The excuses were ridiculous. Phil knew this. He had never felt the need to lie to Dan before, and he knew he was terrible at it.

Dan should be questioning him. He should be asking why Phil’s acting so suspicious and demanding the truth. But, Dan didn’t do any of these things. He always accepted the excuses for whatever they were. If he was awake, he’d nod and tell Phil bye. If Dan was asleep, he never questioned the notes Phil left when he got back.

Phil just needed to be home. He needed to feel closer to Eli. He needed to sleep where Eli slept. He needed to look at the photo albums. He needed the memories now. 

One day all he did was clean. He didn’t touch Eli’s room, but he vacuumed, mopped, and dusted the rest of the house.

He thought about telling Dan the truth every single day. But he backed out of it every single day. He didn’t want Dan to feel like he needed to be home. Just because it was right for Phil didn’t mean it would be right for Dan.

So, every day was a new excuse. Every day was an hour drive to the house. Every day was an hour drive back to the hotel. Every day was spent soaking up memories of Eli. 

He cried every day that he was there. He’d cry over the photos, or the home videos. He’d cry as he laid on Eli’s bed. He cried when he cleaned the house.

But, for some reason, it felt good. It felt therapeutic to him. He’d let out everything he held in while he was around Dan.

Being around Dan felt like being around fragile glass. Phil was afraid the simplest thing might make him break. He had been off the medication for a while now, and he didn’t spend every waking moment crying, and Phil was afraid that one thing might change that. He was afraid that maybe Dan was making his own progress, and if Phil started drowning him in his own sorrows, Dan would fall apart again.

 

Dan had no idea what was going on with Phil. He knew he was lying though. He could always tell when Phil was lying. 

It wasn’t like Phil lied often. They were both always pretty open and honest with each other. But when it came to birthday surprises or anything like that, Dan knew he’d always figure out what was going to happen if he asked the proper questions.

Dan had a way of letting things boil up inside his mind. He wasn’t good at just letting his feelings out. He knew this about himself too. He knew that he barely ever spoke to Phil when he was around, which wasn’t often. 

He also knew that Phil probably resented him just as much as Dan resented himself. 

Dan turned onto his side, looking over at the clock. It was just after three. Usually, he’d be fast asleep right now. But, lately, he’d barely been able to sleep at all. He still spent his days in bed, sometimes dozing off. He spent most of the time worrying though. Because not only had he lost his son, but he was losing Phil too.

He never questioned Phil. He didn’t think he had the right to. Phil was obviously thinking the same thing Dan thought. It was his fault.

Dan thought back to last night. He laid in bed, wide awake, as Phil slept beside him. In his sleep, Phil turned over and cuddled close to Dan. He wrapped his arm around him, holding him tight as he slept. It was something that happened often, and Dan used to love it, but it hurt him this time. He could swear Phil’s hands and arms were burning him, and Dan couldn’t get away fast enough.

He got out of bed and left the room, ignoring the sounds of Phil waking up and asking what was wrong. 

They both knew what was wrong. They both knew very well. It was Dan’s fault that Eli was dead. 

 

_ “What’s this?” Dan asked, pulling a piece of paper from Eli’s backpack. _

_ “That’s for my school trip.” _

_ Dan unfolded the crinkled paper and read it over. “Oh, you’re going to the zoo! That’ll be fun!” _

_ Eli smiled. “Yeah, I’m excited.” _

_ “Pappy will be jealous that it’s my turn to chaperone.” _

_ Eli bit his lip and stared down at his shoes. When Dan realized he was being too quiet, he looked over at him. “What’s wrong?” Dan asked, sitting down on the couch. _

_ Eli shrugged. _

_ “No, come on,” Dan replied, patting the couch for Eli to sit down. “Tell me what’s wrong.” _

_ Eli sat down beside Dan and sighed. “I just… I’m bigger now, you know?” _

_ Dan smiled. “Yes, I know.” _

_ “And, I don’t know, I just… Well, my friend, Caleb, his mom’s going, and so we won’t be in the same group if you or Pappy go and…” His voice trailed off, hoping Dan would catch on. _

_ “So, you’d like to maybe go alone this time?” _

_ Eli nodded, still avoiding Dan’s eyes. _

_ “Hmm. Well, I’ll have to talk to Pappy when he gets back. But, if it’s okay with him then it’s alright with me.” He ignored the pain in his chest at the thought of not going with Eli. He was growing up too fast. _

_ “Really?!” Eli squealed, bouncing on the couch. _

_ “Yes, really,” Dan replied.  _

_ Eli jumped up and gave him a hug.  _

_ “It’s not official until I ask Pappy though!” He reminded Eli. _

_ “Just give him those eyes you give him when you want pizza for the third time in a week!” _

_ “Hey, I don’t do that!” _

_ “Daddy, we had pizza three times last week because you looked at him silly and blinked a bunch.” _

_ Dan handed Eli’s backpack to him. “Go upstairs and do your homework.” _

_ Eli laughed and headed for the staircase. “Don’t forget to use your eyes!” _

_ “Go, Eli!” _

 

It had been Dan’s decision to let Eli go alone. Phil had been against it at first, but Dan used his eyes and got him to agree. He knew that’s why Phil was disappearing. He couldn’t blame Phil for not wanting to be around him.

He didn’t want to be around him either.

 

Dan knew that, whatever Phil was doing, he deserved it. Whether Phil was visiting a lawyer, or seeing someone else, Dan deserved it.

Maybe it wasn’t rational. But, rational thinking wasn’t a part of Dan right now.

He told himself that, whatever Phil was doing, he wouldn’t freak out. He just wanted to know what it was.

So, one day, he hired a driver. He had the driver wait outside until Phil left, then he followed behind him. 

He followed and followed until they neared their neighborhood. He had his driver park a few streets away and he got out of the car.

He felt… _livid_. He wasn’t sure why. For some reason though, this felt worse than his previous thoughts of Phil cheating on him or leaving him.

Because this was something he could have told Dan, and he just chose not to do it.

It took Dan a few minutes to get to the house. When he was standing at the front door, he gave the knob a gentle twist to see if it was unlocked.

It was. 

He slowly opened the door, stepped inside, and closed it back, hoping it wouldn’t creak.

His heart pounded as he looked around the living room. He had desperately tried to forget this place. He had tried to forget all the memories the three of them had shared here. Now, they were all flooding his mind again.

This wasn’t why he was here though. He was here because of Phil. He needed to find Phil.

His stomach lurched at the thought of going upstairs. He wasn’t sure if he could face Eli’s room. That’s when he heard a noise coming from the kitchen.

He crossed the living room and headed back to the kitchen. He tried to calm himself down with each step, reminding himself to take deep breaths.

When he reached the kitchen, he crossed his arms and leaned against the doorway. Phil was pulling a knife out of a drawer and had all the items needed to make a sandwich on the counter.

“There’s over fifteen restaurants between the hotel and here,” Dan said, causing Phil to jump and drop the knife on the ground, “But you needed to be _here_ to make a sandwich?”

“Dan, I-”

“Is this also where our bills have to be ‘paid in person’ from? Or where your mum needed errands ran from? Is this where you brought all the groceries you keep having to buy?”

“Dan-”

“Or maybe it’s where you bring all the new clothes you apparently have to purchase.”

“Please let me talk, Dan,” Phil pleaded, taking a step closer to him.

Dan shook his head. “I thought you were filing for a divorce or cheating on me or something.”

“What?!”

“And I was prepared for that. Because that’s something that you don’t really just tell your spouse, Phil. That’s something you hide, which is what you’ve been doing. But all this time you’ve been leaving me with lame ass excuses just to come here?!” Dan’s head was pounding now. Every word he spoke made him feel angrier and angrier. 

“Dan, I didn’t want you to feel like you had to come.”

“ _That’s_ your excuse?! You absolute, fucking idiot! You leave me at the hotel every day, knowing I don’t believe a fucking word coming out of your mouth, just so you can come here?! You leave me with some half-assed excuse that should take you a couple of hours to complete, tops, and then you’re just gone the entire day?!”

“You’re asleep for most of the day,” Phil replied. He was keeping as calm as he could. He didn’t want to get upset with Dan. “I was going crazy in that hotel. One day i just left to go do laundry and I ended up here and I…” His voice trailed off as he took a deep breath, rubbing at his face.

“You what?” Dan demanded.

“I fell asleep in his room,” Phil admitted. “And I just needed to be here since then.”

Dan shook his head, turning around and leaving the kitchen. “Oh my God,” he said as he made his way toward the front door.

“Dan, don’t leave!” Phil called out, following behind him. “Let’s just talk.”

“I don’t have anything to say, Phil!” Dan yelled, turning back to him. 

“You never do,” Phil mumbled, wishing he could take it back before it even fully left his mouth.

“Excuse me?” Dan asked. His voice was calmer now. Too calm.

“Nothing.”

“No, tell me. Now.”

Phil shrugged. “You hardly ever speak. I have no idea what’s going on in your head. You sleep all day and then you’re up all night, and you just never- it’s like you’re not even there. You won’t even let me touch you, Dan. How am I supposed to be honest with you when I can’t even touch you without you flinching away?”

“Is that what this is about?” Dan asked, glaring at Phil. “You want to touch me?”

Phil sighed. “No, Dan, you know what I mean.”

Dan started walking closer to Phil. “Touch me,” he said grabbing at Phil’s arms. Dan put Phil’s hands on his waist and held them there. 

“Dan, what are you doing?” Phil asked. 

“I’m letting you touch me,” Dan replied simply. He leaned in and gave Phil a kiss. It was rough and harsh and Phil didn’t feel any love behind it at all.

“Dan, stop,” Phil said, pulling back from Dan. Dan still wouldn’t let go of his hands though, pressing them tightly against his waist.

“You said that’s what you wanted,” Dan replied. He didn’t even know where this was coming from. Maybe he was misunderstanding on purpose, because the truth would have been too hard to confront. He wasn’t thinking about that right now though. All he was thinking about was that Phil wanted to “touch” and it was the least Dan could do after what he’d put them through.

“That’s not what I meant, Dan,” Phil said, leaning away from Dan as he tried to kiss him again. 

Dan finally let go of Phil’s hands, but only to cup his face. Phil kept his hands on Dan’s waist, but loosened the grip. It was more of a way to keep Dan stable than anything else.

“Please, Phil,” Dan whined, kissing him again. This time it was desperate and softer than before, but there was still no emotion behind it.

“Dan, stop it!” Phil yelled, pushing Dan away. “That’s not what I meant and you know that!” He was angry now. Angry at Dan. Angry at Dan for not letting him talk and twisting his words.

Dan’s chest was heaving. He felt mad and embarrassed.

“You’re such a fucking asshole, Phil!” Dan yelled, and he wished he could just shut up. But, right now, anger was winning over any other emotion inside him. “You tell me to touch you then shove me when I do! You don’t make any fucking sense!”

“I want to be able to hold your hand, Dammit! I want to be able to hold you when we sleep, or kiss your cheek, or do any of the cheesy shit we used to do! I wasn’t talking about needing sex from you! God, Dan! This is why it’s impossible to tell you things right now!”

Dan stared blankly at the wall just past Phil. He bit at his lip before responding. “I need to go,” he said, his voice soft and controlled again. 

Phil sighed. “Dan, wait, please. Let’s just-”

“No, I need to go.” Dan turned and walked to the door, opening it with a shaking hand. “Don’t come to the hotel tonight,” he said, not even bothering to turn around. 

Phil didn’t have a chance to respond before Dan was out the door. 

He should have ran after him. He should have made Dan stay until they figured everything out.

He didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this turned out okay! Let me know what you think, please!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	6. Chapter 6

There were so many times that Phil wanted to leave the house and go to Dan. So many times he grabbed the car keys and headed for the front door. 

Every single time, he stopped himself. 

Dan wanted time alone.

_ Needed _ time alone.

He had to respect that. 

He felt like an idiot. He knew he should have told Dan the truth in the first place. And it wasn’t completely Dan’s fault for being distant. Phil hadn’t exactly made much of a spoken effort to try and fix things. 

He didn’t understand Dan’s reaction though. They had always been able to understand each other. Always able to cypher through the unspoken words to get to the meaning of the conversation. Most of their arguments, especially after Eli was born, didn’t even consist of words. They were able to say everything that needed to be said through the expressions on their faces. 

But, for some reason, Dan took everything the wrong way today, and the only thing Phil could think to do was push him away.

Phil felt overwhelmed with the thoughts running through his mind.

He sat on the couch all night, going over all of the things he should have said and done.

 

When Dan got back to the hotel, he angrily slammed the door shut behind him. 

He was such an idiot.

Why’d he have to act like that with Phil? There was no reason for it. He knew what Phil had been trying to say but, for some reason, he had been so unwilling to listen.

It was easier to just assume Phil wanted to use him. That’s all Dan felt good for right now anyway.

Because he was useless.

He had been useless for a while now. 

He was useless when it came to protecting Eli. He was useless when it came to dealing with the fact that everything was his fault. He was useless when it came to talking to Phil.

He was doing everything wrong, but he didn’t know how to make any of it right.

He wished Phil would walk into the room. He wished he’d come in and they could talk or argue or do whatever they needed to do.

But he knew Phil wouldn’t do that. Phil wouldn’t do that because he always respected Dan’s wishes, even when they were unreasonable. 

Dan laid down in the bed, staring up at the ceiling. He stayed that way through the night, thinking about all the things he should have done and all the things he didn’t do.

 

Three days. It had been three days since Phil saw Dan. He was a wreck. He hadn’t really slept since their fight, and he hadn’t been taking care of himself in any other way either. He had gone back to not eating, feeling nauseous at the sight of food. He hadn’t showered. All forms of personal hygiene had been thrown out the window.

He found himself mostly cleaning the already clean house, and reorganizing drawers that didn’t need organized in the first place.

He was currently taking every book out of their bookshelf and dusting each of them down, something he had already done the day before, when he was interrupted by the sound of the doorbell ringing. 

He ignored it at first, but it rang twice more and the person didn’t seem to be going away. 

He sighed, tossed his dusting cloth onto the floor, and walked over to the front door.

He opened the door to Katie, who was holding a casserole dish in her hand.

“Hi,” she said, her smile faltering a bit when she saw just how bad Phil looked.

“Hello,” Phil replied, quickly combing a hand through his hair to try and fix it. He was sure it was sticking up all over from three days of running his hands through it over and over. 

“I, um, I just saw your car here yesterday and I made something for you, if you want it.” She held the casserole dish out for Phil to take.

“Thank you,” Phil replied, taking the dish. 

They both stood there awkwardly for a moment before Katie spoke. “Well, I better go. I just…” She cleared her throat. “I hope it tastes alright.”

She began to walk away, and Phil was prepared to let her, but for some reason his body did not listen to him. “You can come in!” He called out to her, causing her to turn around. “If you want, I mean.”

She nodded. “Okay.”

Phil moved to the side so Katie could come in. He closed the door behind her and headed for the kitchen.

“Are you hungry? I could warm some of this up?”

“Um, yeah, that would be good.”

“Should I put it in the oven or microwave it?”

“The oven would probably do better. Twenty minutes on warm.”

Phil nodded. “Alright,” he said, turning the oven on and putting the casserole in.

“I’m not sure if you’ll like it,” Katie said, sitting on a barstool. “It’s a spaghetti casserole thing that my grandma used to make for me.”

“It’ll be wonderful, I’m sure,” Phil replied, pasting a smile onto his face. 

Katie smiled back, although she was more concerned than anything. “Where’s Dan?” She asked.

Phil turned away from her to grab a couple of glasses. “He’s just out right now,” he replied, filling each glass with water.

“Oh.” Katie took the glass that was offered to her. “Thank you,” she said, setting it down in front of her.

“No problem. Would you like to go to the living room? It would be more comfortable?”

Katie nodded. “Sure.”

They walked into the living room and took a seat at opposite ends of the couch.

“How have you been?” Phil asked, trying to look interested in whatever Katie might reply.

Katie wasn’t buying it. “I’ve been okay, Phil. How are you?”

“Oh, fine, fine. Keeping busy.” He shrugged, “You know.”

“Phil, I’ve known you for almost eight years now. You don’t have to pretend with me.”

Phil shook his head. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“You look terrible, Phil,” she said, deciding that complete honesty was her only option right now. “You clearly haven’t cleaned up in a while. You’re trying to act like everything’s fine but I know that’s impossible and you don’t have to pretend you’re okay.”

Any fake smile that had been planted on Phil’s face was now long gone. “I’ve vacuumed this house three times in the last two days. Mopped it twice.”

“To try and keep busy?”

“I guess so. I don’t know. Nothing really keeps me busy enough.”

Katie sighed. “Is Dan really just out?”

Phil shook his head. “He’s at a hotel. We’d both been staying there, but I started coming here and I- I didn’t tell him. He… He followed me a few days ago and…” He leaned over, putting his head in his hands. “God, I screwed it all up.”

Katie moved over by him, putting a hand on his back. “Phil, it’ll be okay. I don’t know what happened, but you and Dan are unbreakable. No matter what, you’ll be okay.”

“Everything just came out wrong, for both of us,” he continued, sitting back up. Katie moved her hand but stayed close, just letting Phil talk. “I said things and they didn’t sound right or something, and then he said and did things that I know he didn’t mean. We’ve just been on completely different levels since this happened. We’ve never been like this before and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“Phil, can I be blunt with you for a second?” Katie asked.

“Yeah.”

“You’ve never been like this before because you’ve never gone through something like this before. It’s quite possibly one of the worst things a parent can go through. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but it’s true. This is completely new and you’re both trying to figure everything out. You’re bound to get off balance.”

“What if we can’t ever find our balance again?” Phil asked, his voice soft as his eyes filled with tears.

“Phil, look at me.” Katie patted his shoulder until he looked over at her. “I meant it when I said you and Dan are unbreakable. You’ll be okay. It’ll take time, but you’ll be okay.”

Phil nodded as he took a deep breath. He wanted to believe what she was saying, he really did, but that was hard right now.

“Listen,” Katie continued. “Why don’t you go get a shower, clean up a bit, and I’ll check on the food? We’ll have a bit of lunch when you’re done.”

“I haven’t eaten in about three days,” Phil admitted.

“Wow, um, okay. I’ll fix you some soup or something. We’ll save the casserole for when you’re up to it.”

Phil stood up, wiping at his eyes. “Thank you, Katie.”

Katie smiled, standing and giving him a hug. “It’s not a problem. Now go get a shower, please,” she said, letting him go. “You smell.”

Phil smiled briefly before he disappeared upstairs to wash up.

 

Katie was headed toward the kitchen when a picture on an end table caught her eye. She stopped and picked the photo up. It was Eli when he was just a few months old, right after Dan and Phil had adopted him. Dan was sitting on the couch, holding Eli in his arms, staring down at him. His eyes were a bit red and his smile was huge. Phil was kneeling down on the floor, Eli’s hand wrapped around his finger. Phil was looking at Dan, smiling brightly.

She remembered this picture well, because she was the one who took it.

 

_ “Isn’t he the cutest?” Dan asked right after Katie snapped the photo. _

_ “Since Jenny has yet to arrive,” Katie said, motioning to her very pregnant stomach, “I can say that, yes, he is the cutest.” _

_ “I think he’s just perfect,” Phil said, obviously in awe of the little human in front of him. _

_ “How old is he?” Katie asked. _

_ “Three months,” Dan replied. _

_ “God, that’s such a cute age.” _

_ Dan smiled, “As opposed to what?” _

_ Katie laughed, “Sixteen, so I hear.” _

_ Eli wiggled around, causing Dan to hold him a bit tighter. _

_ “Can I hold him?” Phil asked gently. _

_ “Of course,” Dan replied. “Sit on the couch though. I don’t want you to break him or something.” _

_ “I won’t break him!” Phil defended, although he quickly sat on the couch.  _

_ “Tell that to the cup you broke yesterday.” Dan slowly placed Eli in Phil’s arms. _

_ “Eli is not made of glass and is not covered in slippery soap.” _

_ Katie smiled, staring at the new family. “You three are too cute. Are you guys nervous at all? I’m still terrified about Jenny actually being here.” _

_ “I don’t think my heart has ever beat this fast,” Phil admitted. _

_ Dan nodded. “I’m afraid to take my eyes off of him.” _

_ “My mum once said to me that you never stop worrying about your children, even when they grow up,” Katie said. “I never really understood that before.” _

_ “She was right,” Dan replied, reaching over and gently brushing a finger over Eli’s cheek. “I know we haven’t had him very long, but I don’t think this feeling will ever leave.” _

_ “Yeah,” Phil agreed. “It’s nice though. It’s kind of like a comforting worry. Because you know as long as you are worried, he’s here and he’s safe.” _

 

Katie set the photo down and wiped a tear from her face. She’d never understand how life could be so unfair. Dan and Phil were the best parents any child could have asked for, and suddenly their child was just taken away.

She walked to the kitchen to start making the soup, but she didn’t feel much like eating anymore either.

 

Dan was beginning to doze off for the first time in days when he was awakened by someone knocking on the door.

He jumped up quickly and practically ran to the door, jerking it open.

“Hey,” he greeted.

“Hey. Can I come in?”

Dan moved to the side. “How was he?” He asked as Katie walked into the room.

“About the same as you, I’d say,” she replied, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

“Thank you for visiting him.”

“It’s no problem, really.”

Dan sat down in a chair, resting one of his arms on the table. “Is he… Um, did he…” Dan wasn’t even sure what to ask.

“He’s scared he’s losing you,” Katie said. “Which I told him was ridiculous. It is ridiculous, isn’t it?”

Dan nodded, but he looked unsure himself. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s…" He sighed, "I’m not sure what to do.”

“I think that might be part of the problem. You both think you’re supposed to know what to do, but there’s no one right thing here. Just… talk. Argue, scream, yell until your heads explode! I know I’m not experienced in this area, but I think you both need to stop thinking you need to figure this out on your own. You don’t have to be feeling the same emotions, but if you’d talk it out you’d at least understand the other person a bit better.”

“I just feel so stupid about the way I acted before.”

“So, tell him that. Nothing’s going to get figured out with you two in separate places.”

 

It was three o’clock in the morning when Phil was brought out of a very restless sleep by someone ringing the doorbell.

He sat up quickly, wondering if he’d dreamt the sound.

When the doorbell rang again, he jumped out of bed and hurried downstairs.

He feared the worst. Something happened to Dan and the police were here to tell him.

That was the only reason he could think of for his doorbell to be ringing at this time.

He didn’t realize he was shaking until he went to open the door.

He unlocked the door and opened it slowly, then froze when he saw who was standing there.

“I didn’t have a key,” Dan said in lieu of a greeting.

“That- That’s okay,” Phil replied, opening the door a bit more.

“I think we, um… I think we need to talk.”

Phil nodded, moving out of the way so Dan could come inside. “Yeah. Um, yeah, let’s talk.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone remembered Katie! lol If not, head on back to chapter one!
> 
> Thank you guys so much for the sweet comments! They really help me when it comes to writing out the next chapter.
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't warn for tissues last time and a few of you said you cried, so... this is your reminder!

For two people who wanted to talk, there were not many words being said.

There weren’t any words being said, actually.

They were seated on each end of the couch, both staring straight ahead. Dan had been there for about five minutes now, and they hadn’t spoken since he came in the door.

Phil ran his fingers through his hair. “Should I make coffee?” He asked. His voice sounded too loud. Any noise sounded too loud.

Dan shook his head. “No, I’m fine.”

“We both know that’s not true,” Phil replied sadly.

They were both quiet for another minute, but this time Dan broke the silence. “I don’t like being here.”

“I know. I don’t like being away from here.”

“I know.”

“I didn’t mean to lie to you, Dan,” Phil said. He grabbed a pillow from the couch and laid it in his lap, fidgeting with the seams.

“But you did.” Dan took a deep breath and, for the first time since sitting down, looked over at Phil. “Why?”

Phil shrugged. “I didn’t want you to think you had to come here. I know you don’t like it here. You were- you weren’t crying anymore. I thought you were getting better in your own way and I didn’t want to mess it up.”

“ _Getting better_ ,” Dan repeated. The words sounded foreign to him. “I don’t even know how to get better, Phil,” he said, his words coming out more spiteful than he anticipated.

“Well, I’m sorry. I should’ve told you. I’m sorry.”

Dan wanted to be angry with him right now. He wanted to tell him off, even though he had no idea what he’d even say. He also knew he had something to apologize for too, and he better get it out before they talked about anything else.

He looked back at the wall in front of him. “I’m sorry too,” he said, causing Phil to turn to him this time.

“For what?” He asked.

“For acting like a fucking nutjob when I came here the other day.”

“I should have been more clear about what I meant. It’s not your fault.”

Dan looked over and their eyes met for the first time since Dan arrived. “We both know that’s not true, Phil. I knew what you meant, I was just… I was angry. I’m still angry.”

“At me?”

Dan sighed. “At you. At me. At everything, really.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I mean, come on, Phil. It’s obvious.”

Phil looked confused. “Not to me,” he said after thinking for a moment.

“It’s my fault,” Dan replied.

“What’s your fault?”

“Are you really that stupid?” Dan asked, his words vicious and biting. He didn’t intend them to be, but lately he wasn’t able to last very long without becoming angry and rude.

“Okay… _That_ was unnecessary.”

“Eli,” Dan replied, not bothering to apologize for his words. “Our child is dead because of me. I know you know this already, you don’t have to act dumb!” He was yelling now. Why was he yelling? Phil hadn’t actually done anything to warrant it, but that didn’t seem to matter.

“Whoa! What the hell, Dan?! What are you talking about?”

“I was the one who convinced you to let him go on the trip alone! I was the one who was supposed to go with him on the trip. I know you know this! I know you blame me for it! I blame me for it!”

Phil stood up and paced back and forth a few times, running his fingers through his hair. “I don’t… I don’t even know what to say, Dan! Why would I ever blame you for that? I haven’t thought that for a second!”

“Oh, please! You’ve been an emotionless void to me since it happened!” Dan yelled, standing to meet Phil’s eyeline. “I’m not stupid!”

“Oh, no, because stupid is apparently reserved for me!”

“Fuck off!”

Phil groaned. “I don’t understand what’s happening here, Dan! Are you mad at me because I _don’t_ blame you?”

“I’m mad because you’re fucking lying about not blaming me!”

“No, I’m not! I have never, not for a single second, blamed you for any of this!”

Dan’s chest was heaving. He walked over to the big window that stretched across the front of their house. There wasn’t much to see in the middle of the night. Just some street lamps slightly lightening the road. “Are you honestly telling me…” His voice trailed off for a moment before he turned to face Phil again. “Are you honestly telling me you haven’t thought about the fact I should have been with him?” He was slightly calmer now, but he still felt like one wrong word could send him back over the edge.

“I have thought about that,” Phil admitted, and Dan could swear his heart began falling apart.

“I knew you di-”

“Let me finish, Dan,” Phil interrupted, his voice sounding more forceful than he intended. “Please,” he added gently.

Dan remained silent.

“I have thought, many times, how you were supposed to be on that trip with Eli. I have thought about it over and over again.” He stopped, clearing his throat as his eyes filled with tears. “And every single time, I am just so grateful that you weren’t.” He couldn’t stop the tears from falling now. “I am so grateful, Dan, because I would’ve lost you too, and I don’t know… I couldn’t-” His words were cut off as he began crying, harder now. He sat down on the couch, putting his elbows on his thighs and his head in his hands.

It was quiet, and then Phil could hear walking. There was a dip beside him on the couch, and he could feel Dan next to him.

“What if… What if I could have saved him though?” Dan asked in a whisper, like he was afraid of the answer.

Phil looked over at Dan, eyes red and filled with more unshed tears. “You couldn’t.”

Dan shook his head. “You don’t know that.”

“And you don’t know that you could have saved him.”

They both stared at each other for a moment, then Dan reached up and wiped a tear from Phil’s face. “This is the first time I’ve seen you cry.”

“I’ve cried a lot,” Phil admitted. “I cry every day. I just didn’t around you.”

“Why not?”

Phil shrugged. “You were already so heartbroken, I didn’t want to make it worse. I thought I needed to be strong around you.”

“Why’d we become so distant with each other, Phil? I don’t get it. We’ve always gone through shit together.”

Phil thought for a few seconds before responding. “I think this is a level of shit we never imagined we’d go through, and we just went through it differently. We’re still going through it differently.”

Dan rubbed his tired eyes. “Don’t you get angry though? I mean, I just feel so angry sometimes I think I’ll explode. I want to break things, and yell, and fight, and take everything you say the wrong way apparently.”

Phil shook his head. “I just haven’t felt that way. I just feel sad. I mean it- it’s more than just _sad_ but it’s something that I can’t even describe.” Phil’s lip began to tremble, “And I just want to be near him. And being here, being by his pictures, I feel-” His words were cut off by him taking a deep, shaky breath. “I feel like I can breath,” he finished, clutching to his chest as he began to sob.

Dan pulled Phil close to him, wrapping him in the biggest hug he could manage. Phil put his arms around Dan’s waist, holding onto him tight. It was the first time they had really comforted each other. The first time they had relied on one another for support.

Phil laid his head on Dan’s chest, and Dan placed a couple of kisses on top of Phil’s head.

The feeling that they had someone there. The feeling that they had someone to support them. That they weren’t going through this alone. It was overwhelming for them both.

 

They stayed there, just holding each other, until the sun began to rise.

“I’m tired,” Phil said, breaking the long silence that neither of them had felt the need to fill.

“Why don’t we go lay down?” Dan suggested.

“We’d have to go upstairs,” Phil said, pulling away from Dan so he could look at him.

“I know,” Dan replied with a nod.

“Do you want to?”

“I want to get off this couch.”

Phil stood up, holding out his hand for Dan to take. He helped lift Dan up and they walked toward the staircase.

Dan’s hand gripped Phil’s tighter as they reached the stairs. His pace slowed and Phil looked back to see him staring up at Eli’s bedroom door.

“I can go up and close it, if you want?” Phil asked.

Dan bit his lip, thinking, then nodded. “Yes, please,” he said quietly.

Phil squeezed his hand before letting go and going up the stairs. He closed Eli’s door and Dan walked up the staircase to meet him.

He took a shaky breath as he neared Eli’s door, but Phil took his hand again and led him straight to their bedroom.

“I haven’t been in here in so long,” Dan said, looking around the room. The only light was a dim lamp on the nightstand, giving the room a gentle, yellow glow.

Phil nodded, taking all the extra pillows off of the bed and throwing them onto the floor.

“It’s so clean,” Dan noted.

“Yeah, cleaning is apparently what I do now,” Phil replied.

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah. All your socks have been refolded and moved to the top drawer, by the way.”

Dan’s eyebrows furrowed. “Where are my shirts then?”

Phil crawled into bed, “Third drawer.”

Dan nodded, then walked over to the bed and joined Phil. “Were we going to do that?” He asked when they were both settled under the covers.

Phil shook his head. “No.”

“Okay.” Dan had many questions, but now was not the time for ones about drawers and reorganizing.

They were both lying on their sides, facing one another. Phil laid his hand out between them and Dan held onto it.

“I’m sorry,” Dan said, his thumb gently stroking over Phil’s hand.

“For what?”

“For leaving you to deal with everything. That wasn’t fair.”

“It’s fine,” Phil assured him. “Our parents helped a lot.”

“It wasn’t fine, Phil. I should have… I should’ve been able to function at least enough to help.”

Phil let out a deep breath. “It was hard, making phone calls and stuff. I don’t blame you though. We just grieve differently.”

“I don’t really remember any of it,” Dan admitted. “Everything after the hospital until… until after the funeral. It’s like when you wake up from a nap and nothing makes sense in your head. Everything’s just blurry.”

Phil glanced down at their intertwined hands, then looked back at Dan. “I wish it were like that for me sometimes. I know there are- there are moments that I don’t really remember. Phone calls I don’t remember making, and getting sick sometimes and not realizing until after. But, I- I remember all of the planning, and the funeral.”

Neither of them were crying, but only because they had just spent the last hour crying nonstop. They were both far too tired to start crying again, even if tears sometimes did form in their eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Dan repeated.

Phil shook his head. “Don’t be.”

They became quiet again, the only the sounds were birds chirping outside.

Dan’s eyes closed and Phil just watched him for a minute before his eyes began closing as well.

“It would hurt, when you touched me,” Dan said, causing Phil’s eyes to slowly reopen.

“What?” He asked sleepily.

“When you would touch me before, it would hurt. It made me feel like I was on fire or something. I was waiting for you to hate me, because _I_ hated me, so when you’d touch me it would hurt.”

“Oh, I- I didn’t know.”

“It sounds fucking stupid, I know-”

“No, it doesn’t!” Phil said, cutting him off. “It’s not stupid.” He looked down at their hands, still tightly wrapped around one another. “Does it still hurt?”

Dan shook his head. “No. Not like before.”

“But it hurts?”

“It’s…” He wasn’t sure how to word it. It didn’t exactly make sense to him. “It makes me feel safe. It makes me feel okay. Well, not _okay_ but better. And then that makes me feel bad, because I- I don’t think I should get to feel okay. Not even for a second.”

Phil moved closer to Dan, letting go of his hand so he could wrap his arm around Dan’s waist. Dan returned the gesture, scooting even closer to Phil and resting their foreheads together.

Phil understood what Dan was feeling all too well. He knew the pain that followed every time he allowed himself to laugh or smile at a memory.

They held onto each other tight. Nothing else needed to be said. They knew that, even if they weren’t grieving the same way, they both shared this. They shared the feeling of needing an anchor, and they shared the feeling of hurt every time they had a moment of peace.

As the sun rose higher and everyone in the neighborhood began their day, Dan and Phil fell asleep.

 

_“Daddy? Pappy?” Eli whispered, shaking Dan’s arm._

_“Hm? What?” Dan asked, half asleep. “What’s wrong?”_

_“It’s thundering,” Eli replied, a slight lisp from both of his front teeth being gone._

_Dan rubbed his eyes. “You’ve never been scared of storms before, E.”_

_“It’s really loud though,” Eli replied._

_Dan reached over and turned on the lamp beside him. Eli was holding his little lion, Lonny, in his hand. Dan blinked a few times to get used to the light, “You want to come up here?” He asked, trying to keep his voice low so Phil wouldn’t wake up._

_There was a flash of lightning and a roar of thunder, causing Eli’s eyes to widen as he nodded._

_Dan pushed himself up so he was sitting, then reached under Eli’s arms and lifted him onto the bed._

_He groaned. “You’re almost too big for me to do that, E,” he said, wrapping Eli up under the blanket._

_“It’s because I’m five now,” Eli responded as though it was the most obvious thing in the world._

_Their conversation seemed to wake Phil up. “Wh- What’s happening?” He asked, turning from his side onto his back. He opened his eyes, but closed them back fast when the light irritated them._

_Dan reached over and turned the lamp off, then settled back into the bed. “Eli was nervous about the thunder,” he whispered. “He’s going to sleep with us.”_

_“Oh. Okay,” Phil said, moving closer to Eli so he’d feel safe. It seemed rather pointless, as Eli was already softly snoring in between them._

_“He’s never been scared of thunder before,” Phil whispered, meeting Dan’s eyes when another flash of lightning came through the window._

_Dan shrugged. “Must be new,” he said, snuggling closer to Eli._

_“Yeah. G’night, Dan,” Phil said, already falling back asleep._

_“Goodnight.” As lightning flashed again, Dan glanced at Phil and Eli, both sound asleep with their mouths slightly open. Eli looked so much like Phil when he was asleep that Dan could swear they were biologically related. They both had coal black hair, although Eli’s was natural, and there was a peacefulness about them as they slept that Dan had never seen on any other human. They both snored lightly too, and they had a habit of stealing covers when they got into a deep sleep._

_They always joked that when Eli was asleep, he was all Phil, but, as Phil would say, “The moment his brown eyes open, he’s all you!”_

_Even with the loud, angry storm interrupting his thoughts every few seconds, Dan couldn’t help but feel at peace. He had everything he ever wanted, and he was happy._

 

Dan wiped a tear from his cheek as he turned onto his back. He had been awake for a few minutes now, and being alone with his thoughts in this house was not a great idea.

His movement caused Phil to stir. He stretched out, rubbing his eyes as he slowly woke up. “What time is it?” He asked groggily.

“Um,” Dan looked over at the clock on the nightstand. “Just after one.”

“We slept a long time,” Phil said with a yawn.

“Mhm.” There was a pause, then, “Phil?”

“Yeah?”

“I want… I want to go in his room.”

Phil sucked in a breath, suddenly wide awake. “Are you sure?” He asked, sitting up.

Dan pushed himself up so he was sitting too. “Yeah, I- I think so.”

Phil leaned over and pressed a kiss to Dan’s temple. “Do you want to now, or later?” He asked, making sure Dan knew the timing was completely up to him.

Dan took a deep breath. “Now.”

Phil nodded, reaching out to take Dan’s hand. He gave it a reassuring squeeze. “Okay. Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys have been so kind to me and I am so thankful! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Let me know!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	8. Chapter 8

Dan saying he wanted to go in Eli’s room and actually doing it were two very different things. 

Both of them needed to use the bathroom first. By the time Dan was in there, he was taking an extra long time to complete each task. He was splashing his face with a bit of water when Phil knocked on the door. “Dan?”

“Yeah?” Dan replied, turning the faucet off.

“We don’t have to do it now,” Phil reassured him, knowing why Dan was taking such a long time. “There’s no time limit or anything.”

Dan looked at himself in the mirror, taking in the fact that he had lost quite a bit of weight over the past few weeks. His eyes were dark underneath, and his skin had lost any bit of tan that it may have ever had. He took a deep breath and opened the door, coming face to face with Phil. “No, I- I want to, I’m just…”

“Nervous?”

Dan nodded. 

Phil reached out his hand and Dan took it. “I’ll be right beside you. It’ll be okay.”

They headed out of their bedroom and moved toward Eli’s door. Dan took in a long, deep breath, trying to calm his heart down. It felt like it was beating twice as fast as it should, and he wasn’t sure how much longer he’d be able to last without freaking out.

“You’re sure?” Phil checked before turning the doorknob. Dan held onto his hand tighter, but nodded.

Phil opened the door. The sun shined brightly into the room, giving Dan no extra time to prepare for what he might see.

The unmade bed, the toys on the floor, the unfinished Lego set, his clothes messily put into drawers. 

It was Eli, everywhere was Eli, but he wasn’t there anymore. Eli would never play with these toys again, and he’d never leave his bed unmade again, and he’d never put his own clothes away. Dan would never get to grumpily refold the clothes or make the bed. They wouldn’t have their rituals anymore. They’d never tuck him into that bed again. He’d never try to sneak food in his room. 

It was a lot to take in, and Dan felt like he might pass out. Phil seemed to notice this and put a hand on his back. “Do you want to leave?” He asked.

“No,” Dan replied, his voice breaking a bit. “No, I just need to sit down.”

Dan walked over to Eli’s bed and sat down. He ran his hand over Eli’s cold sheets as he took in a shaky breath. 

He looked around the room again, trying to take in every detail. He had such conflicting feelings. He felt like he wanted to run as far away as possible but, at the same time, he never wanted to leave this room. This room was all he had left of his child and, as much as it pained him to be there, he felt like leaving would be even worse.

Dan was looking at Eli’s nightstand when he noticed something wedged between the nightstand and the bed. He reached down and picked up Eli’s lion, Lonny. He sucked in a breath and held Lonny close to him, wrapping both of his arms around the lion. “He forgot it,” Dan said, tears falling down his face.

Phil came over and sat down beside him. “I never saw that,” he said, staring down at Eli’s favorite stuffed animal. 

“It’s not fair,” Dan said, his lip trembling as he started to cry harder. “It’s just not fair. It’s not fair.”

Phil put his arm on Dan’s back and gently rubbed up and down. “I know,” he said, wiping a tear from his cheek. “I know.”

 

“I want to move back in,” Dan said as he and Phil were curled up beside one another on the couch. They had stayed in Eli’s room for a couple of hours, until they ran out of tears to cry, then walked downstairs with bleary eyes to rest on the couch.

“Are you sure?” Phil asked, running a hand through Dan’s hair. 

Dan nodded, keeping his head resting on Phil’s shoulder. “It hurts to be here,” he admitted, “but it hurts to be away too. I want to be with you. I want to be here.”

 

After going to pick up their things from the hotel, they came back home. Neither of them were quite sure what to do. 

It was nearing dinnertime, and Phil remembered the casserole Katie had brought over, so he went into the kitchen to warm it up.

“Katie said it’s better in the oven, but I think I’ll just microwave us both a slice.”

“Not too much,” Dan replied, sitting on a barstool. “I’m not that hungry.”

“Me either,” Phil admitted. 

After a couple of minutes, the food was ready. Dan took his plate and moved over to the table, Phil following behind.

It was quiet as they picked at their food. It was a quiet that neither of them knew how to fill, because they weren’t hardly ever the ones to talk at the dinner table anymore.

 

_ “And then Mason tried to untie my shoe!” Eli exclaimed dramatically, walking around the table. _

_ It was something he always did. He’d take a bite of food, then walk or run around the table as he talked. He started it when he was two and, while it annoyed both Dan and Phil for a while, two years later they were used to it. _

_ “No way!” Dan responded, smirking at Phil. _

_ “Yes way!” _

_ “What did you do?” Phil asked. _

_ “I said, ‘Hey! You don’t do that, Mason!’ and I yelled it really loud.” He stopped at his place setting and picked up his fork, putting a carrot in his mouth and starting another lap. “The teacher got onto me for yelling, but I told her it was because of Mason trying to bul- bul-” _

_ “Bully,” Dan helped. _

_ “Yeah, trying to bully me. So she said-” He paused as he scooped up some mashed potatoes. He chewed a few times then swallowed, and started back walking. “She said that next time I should tell her when someone is bullying me and she’ll help. So I said that my daddy said that I should stick up for myself and not let anyone shit on me!” _

_ Phil choked on the bite of chicken he was chewing as Dan’s eyes widened.  _

_ “Eli! Where did you hear that?” Phil asked once he stopped coughing. _

_ “From you and Daddy talking the other night. I had to get up and go pee.” _

_ “I thought we told you not to repeat any words I might say like that,” Dan reminded him. _

_ Eli sighed. “I forgot.” He shrugged, “Anyway, that’s why Mason and I got sent to the principal today.”  _

 

“It doesn’t feel right, does it?” Dan said, knowing that Phil was in deep thought. 

Phil shook his head, using his fork to move the food around on his plate. “No, it doesn’t.”

Neither of them ate much that night.

 

The next morning, both Dan and Phil felt like hell. Dan had tried to sleep through the night, but that proved to be impossible right now. He wanted to sleep, and he was so tired, but he just couldn’t. He tossed and turned all night.

And his tossing and turning kept Phil up all night. Dan offered to go downstairs, but Phil wouldn’t let him. 

As the sun started to rise, they both finally fell asleep.

A few hours later, Phil was awakened by the principal of Eli’s school calling. They had been given everyone’s recovered belongings from the accident and were reaching out to parents to come collect the items if they wanted.

“Dan,” Phil said, gently shaking his shoulder.

“Hm,” Dan hummed, slowly waking up from his deep sleep.

“I have to go get Eli’s backpack from the school.”

Dan’s eyes opened to see Phil standing next to him, fully dressed. “What?” 

“His things are at the school and they called saying we could come pick them up.”

“Oh.” Dan pushed himself up so he was sitting. He rubbed at his eyes, the exhaustion he felt not yet leaving him. “I’ll get ready, just give me a few minutes.”

Phil shook his head. “No, it’s okay. You need to sleep, Dan. I can go.”

“No, Phil, you don’t need to go alone.”

Phil sighed, then leaned down and gave Dan a quick kiss on the lips. “I’ll be okay,” he said, “I promise. You need to get some rest. I’ll just pick it up and I’ll be right back, then we’ll both sleep.”

“Are you sure?” Dan asked. He felt like such a jerk for not going, but he honestly didn’t know how he’d even stand up long enough to get dressed. His eyes felt so heavy that it was hard to keep them open this long.

“I’m sure,” Phil replied. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

 

Phil took a deep breath as he entered the school. He had been in here so many times for parent-teacher meetings, volunteer work, and surprise lunches with Eli. 

He walked to the principal’s office and knocked. Within a few seconds, the principal opened the door. “Mr. Lester,” she greeted with a sympathetic smile. “Hello.”

“Hello, Mrs. Henley.”

“Just Rosa is fine,” she said, moving out of the way so he could come into the office. 

“Phil’s fine too,” he replied.

“Of course.” She walked back to her desk, then bent down and picked up a backpack. “I am truly sorry for your loss, Phil. Eli was a wonderful boy. You and Dan were excellent parents.”

Phil had stopped listening the second he saw Eli’s backpack. He felt like the wind had been knocked out of him.

Rosa seemed to notice this. She walked back over to him and handed him the backpack. “If there’s anything you need,” she said, putting an arm on his shoulder. “Please, let us know.”

Phil nodded, holding onto the backpack as tightly as he could. 

He went to turn and leave, but something stopped him. There was a question that needed answered, and this was the only place he could get that.

“There is something,” he said, turning back to her.

“Anything,” she replied, motioning for him to take a seat. He sat down, resting the backpack in his lap, as she took her seat behind her desk.

“E- Eli. He always sat in the back of the bus. That was his favorite spot.”

Rosa nodded, keeping quiet as he spoke.

“The back of the bus was fine though, so I don’t… I don’t understand how this happened.”

“One moment,” she said, looking over at her computer and typing on it for a moment. When she found what she was looking for, she turned back to Phil. “We recently started assigning seats for class trips. It’s an easier way to make sure all of the children are present on the bus." She paused. "Eli was assigned a seat directly behind the driver.”

Phil could feel the tears filling in his eyes. “So, he was… he was told to sit there?” He asked.

She took a deep breath, “Yes, he was.”

For the first time, Phil felt it. 

He felt anger.

So much anger.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” he said, his voice dripping with a viciousness he’d never even heard before.

“Phil, I-”

“My son is  _ dead  _ because of your assigned seats! He never, ever would have chosen to sit up front! He hated sitting up front!”

“Mr. Lester, the assigned seats were for safety re-”

“Safety?!” He laughed humorlessly. “Please, tell me just how it helped Eli’s safety to be up front?! He’s dead! I had to bury him!”

Rosa held out her hand, ”Please, calm down, Phil. It would have just been another child there. Five kids still would have died.”

“I don’t give a flying fuck about that,” he said through gritted teeth. “I would be here today to pick Eli up from school, instead of coming here to pick up his backpack that he’ll never be able to use again!”

There were tears in Rosa’s eyes now, “Phil, I am truly sorry-”

“I don’t give a shit,” he replied, standing up and walking out of the office. He walked to his car as fast as he could. When he got inside, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, then looked down at the backpack that was on his lap.

It only had a few marks on it. It looked a little scraped in some spots, and there was some dirt on it which could have been from being at the zoo. Otherwise, it looked fine. 

His son was gone, but his son’s backpack was fine. 

Anger overcame Phil again and he threw the backpack into the passenger seat. Tears stung his eyes.

“Fuck!” He yelled, hitting his hands on the steering wheel. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”

 

By the time he got home, Phil felt like he had run a marathon. He set Eli’s backpack down by the front door and headed straight upstairs to Dan.

When he got into the room, Dan was rubbing his eyes. “Hey, I heard you come in,” he said, looking over at Phil.

His face automatically changed to concern the second he saw Phil. “What happened?” he asked, starting to sit up.

Phil stopped him though, climbing under the covers and curling himself up as close to Dan as he could get. “I understand it now,” he said, his voice muffled by Dan’s shirt.

“Understand what?”

Tears began falling without much warning. “The anger,” he said. 

Dan kissed the top of Phil’s head as he wrapped his arms around Phil’s back, holding him close as he cried. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A million thank you's for all the kind comments! You guys help me out so much! 
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a bit longer than the last few have been! It's a roller coaster!

“I overreacted.”

“It’s okay, Phil.”

“But it’s not.”

They were both in bed, lying on their sides, facing each other. Dan had held Phil for almost a half hour, just letting him cry, before he calmed down enough for Dan to ask what happened.

Dan couldn’t help the surge of anger that flashed through him when he heard that Eli could have lived if it weren’t for the school rules. He quickly suppressed those feelings though, because he knew now was not the time to lash out. Besides, Phil was the only person there that he could lash out at, and that wouldn’t do either of them any good.

“Phil, it makes me upset too. I would have reacted the same way.”

“It wasn’t her fault though,” he replied, turning onto his back and staring up at the ceiling. “And she was starting to cry, but that made me even angrier. I know I should apologize. I should go back and apologize. I just know the moment I step foot into the office I’m going to be yelling again.”

“I’m sure she understands.”

“I actually said that I didn’t care if it was another kid in Eli’s place,” Phil continued as though he hadn’t even heard Dan speak. “And it makes me upset that I’d even say that, but every time I think about it it’s still true. I’d still-” He cut himself off, biting down on his bottom lip as tears filled in his eyes.

“You’d still what?” Dan asked softly, reaching over to wrap an arm around Phil’s waist.

Phil put his hand on top of Dan’s arm, keeping it there, holding it like it was a lifeline. “If I was given a choice to switch Eli with another child, I- I’d do it.” He looked over at Dan as a tear slowly made its way down his face. “Does that make me a terrible person?” He asked, almost as though he were begging for forgiveness in his words.

Dan took a deep breath and shook his head. “No. No, Phil, it makes you human. Either that or we’re both terrible people because I’d do anything to get him back. Anything.” And now they were both crying, curling up close to one another again, holding each other until they cried themselves to sleep.

 

Later that evening, Martyn called asking if he could come by the next day for a visit. Phil wanted to say no; he had no desire for visitors right now. However, when Martyn said, “If you don’t let me stop by for a couple days, Mum and Dad are going to, and they won’t call in advance,” Phil knew he had no choice.

“It might be nice,” Dan said with a unconvincing shrug. “He can stay in the guest room. I’m guessing it’s clean?”

Phil nodded. “I’ve reorganized it three times.”

 

Martyn arrived the next day around three, giving both Dan and Phil time to sleep after another restless night. 

The second Phil opened the door, Martyn couldn’t help but look him over. He was… skinny. Not his normal skinny. He looked malnourished. His skinny jeans didn’t even look like skinny jeans anymore and his shirts just hung loosely off of him. 

“Hey!” He greeted with a smile, pulling Phil into a hug. A boney, boney hug, because that’s all Phil seemed to be now.

“Hi,” Phil replied, hugging him back. 

When they let each other go, Phil moved over so Martyn could come inside. 

“Hey, Martyn,” Dan said, getting up off of the couch to walk over to him.

And my God, he somehow looked even worse than Phil. There were deep, dark circles under his eyes and his cheekbones were more prominent from the weight he had lost. His pants, which they had always joked were basically painted on, were loose on him now and his shirts hung off of him the same way Phil’s did. It had only been a few weeks since the funeral and they had both changed so much.

It scared Martyn, although he tried not to show it.

“Hey, Dan,” he replied, hugging him as well. 

“How was the trip?” Phil asked.

“Good, good. Cornelia said to tell you both hello and she loves you. She wanted to come, but this was the only time she could go visit her family for a while.”

“I’ll text her in a bit,” Dan replied. “You can go on up and put your things in the guest bedroom if you’d like,” he suggested, motioning to the backpack on Martyn’s back. 

“Alright. I’ll be right back.”

Martyn headed upstairs, peering into Eli’s bedroom as he passed by. The door was cracked, so he couldn’t see much, but it gave him chills anyway. 

Eli was one of Martyn’s favorite people. He loved that boy so much. Since the day he knew Dan and Phil were going to adopt a child, he made it his mission to be the coolest uncle he could be.

 

_ “Is it good?” Martyn asked as Eli scooped up another spoonful of ice cream. _

_ “Mhm!” He hummed, his mouth full. _

_ “Your dads are going to kill me,” he replied, taking a bite of his own ice cream. “They told me to only let you have one scoop.” _

_ “But I wanted three flavors!” Eli reminded him, holding up three fingers. _

_ “I know that.” _

_ “And I’m going to eat it all gone!” _

_ “That’s what worries me,” Martyn replied, inwardly cursing his own choices as Eli ate another huge bite. It was just that, he didn’t get to see Eli all that often. Maybe once a month for a couple of days, so, when he could spoil him, he did. They’d spend their days going to the zoo, or bowling, or going out to eat, or all of the above. Anything Eli wanted to do, Martyn would do.  _

_ Even though his reasons were purely selfish, Dan and Phil were always excited when Martyn would come around. It would give them a few hours to be alone. They’d get to go out to dinner, or film and edit a video, or do things that Martyn would rather not think about.  _

_ This time, however, they were not so thrilled when Martyn returned home at seven-thirty with a much-too-hyper five year old. _

_ “What the hell is wrong with him?” Phil asked as Eli ran around the living room for the tenth time since he got home two minutes ago. _

_ “I have no idea,” Martyn replied with a shrug. _

_ “I had THREE ice creams!” Eli yelled, holding his arms out as he now pretended to be an airplane. _

_ Dan, who was sitting on the couch, folded his arms as he glared over at Martyn. “Three?” He questioned. _

_ “Well, I mean, technically it was all in one bowl,” Martyn defended. _

_ Phil’s eyes widened, “You let him have three scoops of ice cream?!” _

_ “Well, he wanted it! What was I supposed to do?” _

_ “Say no,” Dan replied. _

_ “Well, that’s a very parent thing to do and I’m not a parent, I’m an uncle.” _

_ “I feel very funny!” Eli exclaimed, now walking around the house like a robot. _

_ “That’s probably from the three cups of sugar running through your system,” Phil said, glaring at Martyn. _

_ “He’ll crash soon,” Martyn said. _

_ “Phil, please remind your brother what happened the last time Eli had too much sugar.” _

_ Phil took a deep breath. “We let him have an extra piece of cake at seven o’clock one night, and he was still up at two o’clock in the morning… jumping on our bed until he fell over and hit Dan right on the crotch.” _

_ “Daddy cried!” Eli giggled, lying down on the floor to wiggle like a worm. _

_ “I couldn’t walk straight for two days,” Dan said, grimacing at the memory. _

_ “Well, I’ll stay up with him if he’s awake and he can jump on my crotch.” _

_ “Can I get that in writing?” Dan asked. _

_ Suddenly, Eli stood up and became very still. _

_ “What’s wrong?” Phil asked. _

_ “I think I might-” his words were cut off as he proceeded to vomit all over the floor. Phil ran over to him and picked him up as he finished.  _

_ “Okay. It’s okay, E. It’s alright,” he soothed as Eli wrapped his arms around Phil’s neck.  _

_ “I’ll go start a bath,” Dan said, disappearing up the stairs. _

_ “I’ll be right up,” Phil replied. He looked over at Martyn, “And lucky Uncle Martyn will clean up the puke.” _

_ Martyn tried to hide the fact that he was already about to gag. “I’ve got it. I’m sorry, little guy!” _

_ “I love you, Uncle Marty,” Eli replied as Phil headed up the stairs, appearing to feel better already. “I had a fun day!” _

_ “Me too, kiddo!” _

 

The sound of someone coming up the stairs brought Martyn out of his thoughts. He put his bag down near the bed as Phil walked in.

“Everything alright?” Phil asked.

“Yeah, I was just thinking.”

Phil nodded. “We’ve all been doing a lot of that lately.”

“Are you alright, Phil?” Martyn asked, sitting down on the bed. “I mean, I know you’re not, but- I, just,” he sighed. “How are you?”

“I’m okay,” Phil lied. He wasn’t even sure why he did it. It’s just, for some reason, he felt the need to put on a show. He knew why Martyn was here. He knew it was a check-up on him and Dan, and he needed to prove that they were fine.

Martyn nodded. “Really?”

“Yeah,” he replied, leaning against the doorframe. “I mean, it’s tough sometimes, but… We’re figuring it out.”

Martyn didn’t believe him for a second, but decided not to push the issue right now. “Alright.”

Phil smiled briefly, then pushed himself away from the doorframe. “Come on downstairs,” he said, already leaving the room. 

Martyn took a deep breath and stood up to follow him. This was going to be a long weekend.

 

The clock shined a bright  _ 3:42 _ when Martyn turned over in his bed. He blinked a few times, rubbing his eyes, before he stood up to go get a glass of water.

He quietly made his way to the kitchen, got him some water, and started to head back to his room. He stopped, however, when he saw someone sitting on the couch.

“Dan?” He whispered, glaring to try and see better. 

The figure jumped slightly, then turned back to look at Martyn. “Oh, hey! You scared me.”

“Sorry, I was just getting water. Did I wake you?”

“No,” Dan replied, shaking his head. “I don’t sleep much at night. Phil tries to stay awake, but he fell asleep about a half hour ago so I just decided to come down here.”

“Oh.” Martyn thought about just heading back upstairs and going to bed, but he knew he wouldn’t actually be able to fall asleep knowing Dan was just sitting there. So, he sat down on the couch instead.

Dan stared over at him. “You don’t have to stay down here, Martyn. I know you must be tired from travelling.”

“I’m not too bad, actually,” he replied. “I’ve actually wanted to talk to you anyway. See how you were doing and all.”

“Oh.” Dan took a deep breath, turning his head to stare blankly ahead. “I…” He stopped, thinking hard about how to answer. “I kinda feel like I’m dying,” he settled on. “Or maybe like dying would be easier?” He looked back over at Martyn, “Does that make sense?”

Martyn, while extremely concerned about what Dan was saying, was slightly relieved that at least one of them was telling the truth.

“Yes, it makes sense. You’re not… You’re not suicidal though, are you?”

Dan shook his head. “No, no, I wo- I wouldn’t do that to Phil. I just… breathing is still really hard sometimes. I thought… I thought that as more time passes that things would get easier, but it just doesn’t.”

“It hasn’t been that much time,” Martyn reminded him gently. 

“I know,” Dan replied, wiping at his eyes. He wasn’t crying, but he felt the familiar sting. “I just wait, every day, to wake up and feel even just a little bit better. I’ve seen parents go on Facebook a day after their kid dies and write out full stories about them and tell everyone not to cry over them, and I… I don’t know how they do it. I don’t know how they’re able to even look at their computer screen. I just- I thought maybe one day I’d wake up and I’d feel okay enough-  _ strong _ enough- to be like those people. Strong enough to move on, or whatever the fuck they do, but I can’t seem to.”

“Everyone grieves differently though, Dan. It doesn’t mean you aren’t strong; you’re just not them.”

“I don’t know,” Dan replied, looking out to the darkness in front of him. There was only the softest light streaming in from the streetlamps outside, but it was barely enough to highlight their faces. 

And maybe that’s why Dan was being so open and honest. Because it’s easier to be honest in the dark. Easier to talk about your problems when you don’t have to stare at the person. 

“Sometimes I feel nothing,” Dan continued. “But sometimes I feel too much at once, and I- I just don’t know.”

 

The next day, Martyn took Phil out to lunch. Phil declined the invitation at first, wanting to stay with Dan. Dan had to remind him that he’d be sleeping for a few hours, so Phil should go. Eventually, Phil agreed, and now they were sitting at a cafe about twenty minutes from the house, waiting on their food to arrive.

“Phil, I wanted to talk to you about something,” Martyn started after he took a sip of his coke.

“What?” 

“Just promise me you won’t get mad?”

Phil eyed him suspiciously. “Okay. What is it?”

Martyn took a deep breath. “I think, maybe, you and Dan should talk to someone.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like a- a therapist or something.”

Phil looked down at his cup of water, wrapping his hands around it and gently spinning the cup around. “I don’t… I don’t think so, Martyn.”

“I talked to Dan last night, Phil. He’s not… He’s not doing well. And you’re not either. I know it’s only been a few weeks, but I- I’m worried about you both.”

“There’s no reason to be though,” Phil defended, looking back up at his brother. “We’re working th-” he cut himself off as the waitress arrived and handed them their food. “We’re working through it,” he continued once she left.

“Are you really though?”

Phil put a spoon into the noodle soup he had ordered, stirring it around. “You said it, Martyn,” Phil said, becoming a little annoyed now. “It’s only been a few weeks. We’re just figuring everything out again, but we’re okay.”

Martyn wanted to say more. He wanted to tell him about the things Dan had said. But, he knew there would be no getting through to Phil right now. Continuing the conversation would lead Phil to either completely shutting down, or to him leaving.

“Alright,” Martyn replied, picking up his sandwich. “I was just worried.”

“Thanks. There’s no reason for it though.”

 

They filled the rest of lunch with talk about Cornelia and her family, steering clear of any Dan or Phil related topics. 

It wasn’t until they were almost completely done with their lunch that a problem arose. 

Three problems, actually. 

Three young girls who recognized Phil. 

Martyn noticed them staring long before Phil did. He noticed the way they kept turning around as they waited in line to order their food. He noticed how they would whisper to one another.

He wanted to tell Phil so they could leave, but Phil was still eating the last few bites of his soup and Martyn didn’t want to stop him. He needed to eat. He obviously hadn’t been doing that very much lately.

Once the girls ordered, they chose a table right behind Phil. There were plenty of other open tables, but no, they wanted to be close.

One girl took out her phone and tried to sneak a couple of pictures and, if he were in a different headspace, Martyn might have laughed about how bad she was at it.

The girl sitting next to her pushed her arm down, seemingly scolding her for taking the photos.

“What, Rebecca? Jeez!” The photo-taking girl exclaimed rather loudly.

“Don’t be rude!” Rebecca responded, trying to whisper. They were so close though that Martyn could still hear.

And if he could hear, Phil could hear.   


“But you just said that was some famous guy!”

“Didn’t his kid die or something?” The third girl, who had been silent up to this point, said. 

“Shut up, Melanie!” Rebecca exclaimed, eyes wide.

Phil had stopped eating now, just staring down at his almost empty bowl of soup.

“His kid’s dead and he’s here eating?” Photo-taking girl- or, The Bitch, as Martyn now liked to refer to her- said. 

“It was a few weeks ago,” Rebecca whispered, her face bright red from embarrassment. “What’s he supposed to do, starve to death?”

The Bitch shrugged. “I dunno. I don’t know who he is. Maybe he should be home with his wife.”

“Husband,” Melanie corrected.

“Oh, so that’s who he’s with.” The Bitch lifted her phone up to try and take another picture, but Rebecca swatted it down again. 

“God, you’re so sensitive, Becca!”

"That's his brother," Rebecca replied.

Martyn cleared his throat, finding his voice for the first time since the girls started talking. “Let’s go,” he said to Phil, who was still staring down at his food. 

Phil remained still, apparently not hearing him.

“What happened to the kid?” The Bitch asked, whispering now. If they weren’t sitting so damn close, neither Martyn or Phil would have to hear this conversation.

“The article I read said his school bus got hit by a semi,” Melanie replied.

“Oh, fuck,” The Bitch replied, grimacing. “I bet he was all fucked up.”

“Shut the fuck up!” Rebecca said, pushing her friend in the shoulder.

“Let’s go!” Martyn repeated, more forcefully this time. He stood up and took an extremely-pale Phil by the shoulder, then led him out of the cafe.

 

Phil felt dizzy. Really, really dizzy. If it weren’t for Martyn tightly holding onto his arm, he wouldn’t have been able to make it out of the cafe.

When they finally reached the car, Martyn started to open the passenger door to help Phil inside, but Phil quickly pushed him away. He held onto the side of the car as he bent over and threw up onto the pavement. 

Martyn kept a hand on his back, staying quiet until Phil seemed to be finished. 

“Phil, are you alright?” The question sounded stupid. Of course he wasn’t alright.

Phil nodded anyway. 

“I’m going to go in and get you some water. Let’s get you in the car first though, okay?”

Phil took a shaky breath, wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand.

“I’ll get some napkins too,” Martyn said, putting an arm around Phil’s waist as he helped him into the car.

“I’m sorry,” Phil said weakly as Martyn buckled him in. He wanted to make sure Phil was settled before leaving him.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for,” Martyn replied, taking note of the way Phil’s hands were shaking. “I’ll be right back, okay?”

He closed the door as Phil leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

 

When Phil and Martyn left, the only thing Dan wanted to do was sleep.

He also knew there were some things that needed to be done around the house, so he decided to get started on that before heading to bed.

The main thing was laundry. They didn’t have much of it, but they did need to do at least one load of dark clothes.

Dan made his way into the laundry room and began separating the clothes in the laundry basket. 

When he was halfway done, he pulled out a small shirt. It wasn’t his or Phil’s. 

It was Eli’s. 

It was one of his favorite shirts. Olive green with four different dinosaurs on the front. 

Dan stared at it for a while, forgetting what he came into the laundry room for in the first place.

After a couple of minutes, he looked down into the basket to see that even more of Eli’s clothes were in there. 

_ Clothes from his last week here. _

Dan realized that it was suddenly becoming harder to breathe, so he threw the shirt back into the hamper and left the laundry room.

His chest felt tighter and tighter with each step he took, heading upstairs to his and Phil’s bathroom.

There was no way he’d be able to fall asleep right now, so he started running water in the tub instead.

As the water rose, he took off his clothes and stepped into the steaming bath.

It should have felt good. It should have calmed him down like it always used to. This is what he’d do when he’d get overly stressed. It always helped. 

This time it didn’t.

It just felt like, no matter what he did, this weight always returned. Like an elephant crushing his chest, it was hard to take in a breath or let one out.

He turned off the water when it neared the top of the tub, then laid back and closed his eyes.

Breathe in.

Pain.

Breathe out.

Pain.

Breathe in.

Pain. 

Breathe out.

Pain.

It was a never ending cycle. One that, to him, left him more out of breath than if he just weren’t breathing at all.

Searching for some sort of relief from this seemingly endless pain, Dan took in one deep breath and let himself sink beneath the water.

No, he wasn’t suicidal. He wouldn’t do that to Phil. 

But if it weren’t for Phil… Who knows.

All he knew was if he could just close his eyes and stay under this water forever, he would. Because this felt so much easier than breathing did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like it's not enough to just thank you guys every time, but I don't know what else to do! Thank you for the support you've given throughout this story! I appreciate it more than you'll ever know!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bring tissues, or a flotation device, or a packet of lifesavers.

Martyn left the next day, which Phil was slightly grateful for. He loved his brother, but he just wasn’t up for company right now.

He was, however, thankful for the fact the Martyn didn’t tell Dan about what happened at the cafe. That wasn’t something Dan needed to know about right now. It wasn’t something Phil felt like reliving at the moment. He’d tell Dan one day, if it was ever necessary.

 

Dan and Phil were sitting on the couch, Eli’s backpack placed between them. They had ignored it since Phil picked it up, leaving it by the front door and not speaking about it the entire time Martyn was there.

But, now that Martyn was gone, there was nothing around to help them ignore the backpack. So, Dan had picked it up and set it on the couch, then asked Phil to go through it with him.

Dan took a deep breath, then began unzipping the backpack. He almost felt afraid of the items inside. He didn’t know why though, because he already knew most of what he’d find.

“You okay?” Phil asked, apparently reading Dan’s mind.

“Not really,” Dan replied once the backpack was fully opened.

Phil pulled out Eli’s jacket. It was a navy blue color, with a black hood and a white stripe that went down the zipper. It was Eli’s favorite jacket, and Phil could already feel his eyes starting to burn.

Dan got Eli’s lunchbox next. He unzipped it to see everything had been eaten. The baggies that once held his sandwich and snacks were crumbled up inside, just like they always were. He never threw his garbage away at school, but would wait until he got home.

Dan tried not to think about how this was all that remained of his last meal.

Next was his pencil case and some loose pieces of paper. Most of them were blank, but one had a drawing on it.

Phil handed it to Dan silently.

Dan stared at it for a moment. A picture of a purple elephant standing in a field with three stick figures standing in front of it. Each person had their names written underneath. _Pappy, Eli,_ and _Daddy_ ; each figure connected by their arms holding onto one another.

It took a few seconds for Dan to realize he was smiling. It wasn’t much of a smile, just a small grin, but it was something he hadn’t done since the accident. It was something he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to do again.

The smile faded as quickly as it had arrived and he put the photo down beside him.

While Dan was looking at the picture, Phil had taken out Eli’s toothbrush and toothpaste, and was now staring down at his disposable camera.

“He used up all the film,” Phil noted.

“We should, um, we should get them developed,” Dan replied, his voice almost a whisper.

“Yeah.” Phil picked up all the items that he had set on his lap and placed them beside him on the couch. He leaned forward, putting his head in his hands and resting his elbows on his thighs.

“What is it?” Dan asked, scooting as close as he could to Phil without squishing Eli’s things.

“It’s just…” He dropped his hands down and stared blankly ahead. “When’s the torture going to end? One thing after another,” he said, snapping his fingers three times. “It’s just endless.”

“I don’t know,” Dan replied, unable to think of a better answer. Because there was no better answer. There wasn’t really an answer at all.

“I mean, all of this stuff,” Phil continued, motioning to Eli’s things. “All of this stuff is in perfect condition. It’s like there was no accident at all when you look at it. But I’m looking at Eli’s things and he’s not here. There _was_ an accident and he- he’s not here. His stuff is here, and it’s fine,” he said with a humorless laugh, “But he’s just gone! It’s like torture!”

“I know,” Dan said. He reached back and grabbed Eli’s drawing. He knew Phil was mad right now, but he also had no idea how to make it better. All he wanted to do was stare at the art that Eli had created.

Phil rubbed at his eyes and sighed, then stood up. “I think I’ll go take the camera in,” he said, reaching down and picking it up.

“Do you want me to go with you?” Dan asked.

Phil shook his head. “No, I need… I need to just-”

“I get it,” Dan said, cutting him off. Phil needed time alone. Time to cool down.

Phil leaned down and kissed Dan’s cheek, “I’ll be back.” He grabbed his phone, wallet and keys, then left.

Dan sat on the couch for a while, just staring at the drawing. It was one of the last things Eli did. For some reason, it warmed Dan’s heart to think about the fact that Eli imagined them all together, watching the animals, even when he wanted to go on this trip alone.

He got up and went into the kitchen. He walked over to the fridge and lifted up a magnet, placing the drawing underneath it.

Dan took a deep breath, then, after making sure the drawing was straight, he headed back out to the living room.

He wasn’t sure what to do. He wasn’t tired, and he didn’t feel that heaviness in his chest right now, so he found himself heading up to Eli’s room.

The door creaked open as he pushed it with his hand, a noise that always bothered Eli.

 

_“Daddy, can’t you put something on the door so it stops doing that?” Eli asked one day a few months ago._

_“I can, but I’m not going to.”_

_“But why not?” Eli whined._

_“How else will Pappy and I know when you’re trying to escape in the middle of the night for cookies?” Dan asked as he fixed the clothes that Eli had sloppily put into his drawers._

_“But sometimes I open the door to go to the toilet.”_

_“I know that. There’s a difference when you do that though.”_

_Eli crossed his arms over his chest. “Like what?”_

_Dan laughed, looking back at a grumpy Eli, sitting on his bed. “I’m not telling you what the difference is or you’ll stop doing it.”_

_“You and Pappy sneak out for snacks in the middle of the night.”_

_“Me and Pappy remember to brush our teeth afterward.”_

_“Pappy doesn’t sometimes,” Eli mumbled._

_“Yes, and then Pappy gets to hear an hour long speech from me about proper dental care.”_

_Eli groaned, falling back onto his bed. “It’s not fair.”_

_“Oh, Eli, the sooner you learn life is not fair, the easier it makes this whole raising you thing for me,” he replied, mostly to himself, as he finished up Eli’s last drawer and closed it._

_“You’re weird, Daddy,” Eli said as Dan began to leave the room._

_“I’ve been called worse things!” Dan exclaimed, making sure Eli’s door creaked as he cracked it._

_“Ugh!”_

 

As the memory faded, Dan found himself standing at Eli’s dresser, fixing the messy drawers. One by one, he neatly refolded and put away Eli’s things, just like he had always done.

Once that was finished, he moved over to Eli’s bed and began making it. He gently lifted the sheet, stretching it to get out all the wrinkles, then pulled the comforter over it. He put the pillow sham on top, then ran his hands over the comforter to straighten it.

Finally, he began picking up the toys. He found the box from the Lego set that Eli had been working on, and placed the pieces back inside. He didn’t undo any of Eli’s work; he just put everything back into the box and closed it, then placed it in Eli’s closet.

He picked up the other toys lying around Eli’s room too, putting everything back in its proper spots.

“Dan?”

Dan jumped when he heard Phil call out his name. He hadn’t realized just how long he had been in Eli’s room.

“Up here,” Dan replied, looking around the room to make sure everything was just right.

“I got the photos,” he said as he came up the stairs. “I haven’t looked through them though, if you-” Phil froze as he stepped into Eli’s room. “What… What did you do?” He asked, his voice shaky all of a sudden.

“I cleaned up a bit,” Dan replied, not noticing Phil’s expression.

“Why?” He was visibly angry now.

“Cause the room was a mess,” he replied, putting his hands on his hips. “And it’s what I always do when the room’s a mess. What’s the matter?”

“You shouldn’t have done that!” Phil exclaimed, tossing the photos onto Eli’s dresser.

“I don’t understand the problem with it, Phil!” Dan yelled back, more out of confusion than anger.

“How could y- How could you not understand?!” Phil said, running his hands through his hair. His eyes were wide as he stared Dan down, waiting for an explanation.

“It was a mess in here! I came in here and I saw it all and I fixed it, just like I always did!”

“Now he’s gone, Dan! Every piece of him that was left in this room is gone!”

“He was already gone, Phil!” Dan yelled. “And there’s pieces of him around this entire damn house! Everywhere you look there’s pieces of him!”

Phil motioned to where the unfinished Lego set once was, “He was still working on that Lego set!”

“He’s not going to finish it!” Dan knew his face was red. He could feel the heat on his face. He could feel the migraine heading his way. He was angry, and he was still confused as to what Phil was talking about.

Phil stopped, staring at Dan for a few seconds before he turned and left the room.

“Where are you going?” Dan asked, following Phil down the stairs.

“I don’t know. Away from here.”

“Phil, wait! You said just a few hours ago that all of his things were here, but he was gone. You know he’s not… he’s not coming back,” Dan finished, his voice wavering.

“That’s not the point,” Phil replied, looking around for where he dropped his keys a few minutes earlier.

“Then tell me what is!”

Phil turned around abruptly, startling Dan. “The point is,” he started, his voice deep and dark now. It was a controlled anger, and it scared Dan. “The point is that you screwed it up. You screwed it all up. All of his last memories. All of the things he did right before… You messed it up.”

Dan could feel the tears stinging his eyes. He could feel the weight starting to press against his chest. As his head began thumping with pain, he realized something. “You don’t even know why you’re mad,” he said, matching Phil’s tone. “You’re just mad and you’re taking it out on me. You know that nothing I did changes anything. You know that fixing some toys in a bedroom doesn’t change anything. You know that, Phil! You’re just pissed and I’m your emotional punching bag!”

“Shut up, Dan,” Phil said, turning away from him and looking for his keys again.

“I thought we weren’t going to do this anymore! I thought we weren’t going to run away from each other, or take our anger out on each other, or do any of that shit we did before!”

“Shut up, Dan!” Phil repeated, finally finding his keys. Now he just had to find his phone, which, for some reason, he didn’t put by his keys.

“Where are you even going to go?” Dan asked, crossing his arms over his chest. The weight was getting heavier.

“I don’t know.”

“When will you be back?”

“I don’t know.”

Dan felt like his world was spinning. It was becoming harder to breathe. “ _Are_ you coming back?” There was no anger in his voice now. Just worry.

“I don’t know,” Phil replied, oblivious to Dan’s change in demeanor. “Where the hell is my phone?!”

“Phil, you can’t-” Dan’s words were cut off by his inability to take a proper breath. “You ca-” His vision blurred, forcing him to blink repeatedly until he found his way to the couch. He sat down and clutched at his chest, his eyes widening as he tried and failed to take in a breath.

Phil rolled his eyes as he looked over to see what Dan was going on about. When he saw Dan on the couch, all of his anger disappeared and he was by his side within seconds. “Dan, what is it?” He asked, panicked. “What’s wrong?”

“I can’t… I can’t breathe,” Dan managed to gasp out. He was sweating now, and his hands felt tingly. He felt like he should be dead. He felt like he wasn’t getting enough oxygen. He didn’t know how he was still conscious.

“Hey, just look at me. Look at me, Dan,” Phil said, pulling Dan’s hands away from his chest and holding onto them. “Come on, look at me,” he repeated, gently squeezing Dan’s hands to get his attention.

Dan faced him with wide, terrified eyes.

“That’s good. I think you’re having a panic attack, Dan. Just, watch me breathe, okay. Try to match my breath.”

Phil took Dan’s hands and placed them on his own chest, forcing himself to calm down enough to take normal breaths.

He took a deep breath in, then let it out slowly.

Then he did it again.

And again.

And again.

Over and over for almost five minutes. Both of them just sitting there, staring at each other, until Dan’s breathing finally returned to normal.

“P- Please don’t leave,” Dan whispered, his bottom lip trembling and his eyes filling with tears.

Phil shook his head. “I won’t. I promise, I won’t,” he replied shakily. He had never seen Dan like this and it terrified him.

He pulled Dan close to him, wrapping his arms around him tight. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he said, feeling immensely guilty.

Dan’s only response was clinging onto his shirt and pressing his head close to Phil’s chest.

They sat in silence for a while, until Phil knew that Dan was completely calm. “Has this happened before?” Phil asked, running a hand through Dan’s hair.

“Not that bad,” Dan replied. He sounded exhausted. A few more minutes of silence and he would have been asleep.

“But it has happened?”

Dan sighed and forced himself to pull away from Phil. “I feel like I can’t breathe a lot,” he said, wiping the tears away from his eyes. “I feel like... like there’s an animal sitting on my chest. It hurts to take in a breath. Sometimes I wish I didn’t _have_ to breathe.”

“Wh- What do you mean?” Phil asked, a wave of fear rushing over him.

“I- I told Martyn the other day that… that I wouldn’t ever leave you. Not on purpose,” Dan responded, unable to say what they were both thinking. “But I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t here. So, when you said you were leaving and you didn’t know if you were coming back, I just- I just panicked.”

“Oh my God,” Phil breathed out, feeling guiltier than he thought possible. “I didn’t- I didn’t know you felt like that. I’m so sorry, Dan. I never- I never would have left for good. I was just upset. You were right, I was taking out my anger on you and I didn’t even have a reason. I’m sorry.”

Dan rested back into the couch, then leaned his head over so it was on Phil’s shoulder. “It’s okay,” he said. He put his arm under Phil’s and intertwined their fingers.

“It’s not though,” Phil replied, laying his head on top of Dan’s.

They were quiet again, both of them feeling completely drained. Dan’s grip on Phil’s hand began to loosen, and Phil could tell he was starting to fall asleep.

“Dan?” He whispered.

“Yeah?”

“I think we… I think we need to get help.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and commenting! It means a lot to me.  
> The panic attack part was based off of a close family member and myself. I've had to help her through many attacks, and I felt like it was important to write about here.
> 
> You guys are the absolute sweetest! I look forward to hearing from you all with each chapter, so thank you a million times over!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	11. Chapter 11

They started therapy that week. Twenty minutes were reserved for Dan, twenty for Phil, and then a final twenty for them both. 

It was one of their toughest days since the accident. They were never forced to talk about Eli, but they were asked about how they were coping.

It was difficult for Phil to admit that he still wasn’t eating, not much anyway. Difficult for him to admit he still threw up after most meals. Difficult for him to admit that he wouldn’t eat anything at all if no one else was around.

Dan informed the psychiatrist that he hadn’t slept during the night since the accident. He admitted that it was because of the dream he had that first night. Something about the day made it seem safer to sleep. No matter how childish it sounded, he felt it kept the dreams away.

He also admitted that, if Phil weren’t around, he probably wouldn’t stick around much longer. He felt he had lost his will to live. When the doctor asked what made him happy, Dan couldn’t think of an answer. He could remember things that used to make him happy, but those things didn’t make him feel anything anymore. 

Along with weekly sessions for the foreseeable future, Dan and Phil were both sent home with some prescriptions. Phil was given an antiemetic for his nausea and vomiting, and Dan was given sleeping medication and Prozac. 

Phil’s medication didn’t necessarily help to get his appetite back, but it helped him to not throw up after he ate. He still had to force himself to actually consume the food, but he’d do it.

The first evening that Dan took his sleeping pill, he couldn’t stop shaking. The idea of actually sleeping at night terrified him, but Phil stayed right by his side until he drifted off to sleep.

He didn’t dream that night, which he was thankful for when he woke up the next morning, but he was still nervous every time it came to swallowing the pill.

He had thought that the Prozac would make him happy, and he was confused when it didn’t. The psychiatrist had to remind him that the medication wouldn’t force happiness on him; it wouldn’t cause fake emotions. It would simply help balance the chemicals in his brain, and reduce the effects of his anxiety and panic attacks. 

 

“I think we should move,” Phil said one day as they sat on the couch. The TV was on, but neither of them were paying attention to it. Dan was resting his head on Phil’s chest, and Phil had his arm wrapped around Dan.

“What?” Dan replied, sitting up so he could see Phil.

“I think we should move.”

“Why?”

“This house… It’s just- it’s too big.”

“That’s not what you’re thinking.”

Phil sighed. “I feel like… like nothing will ever change as long as we’re here. It’s always going to be an endless reminder of Eli, everywhere we look.”

Dan was silent for a moment. “You were the one who  _ wanted  _ to be here though. I mean, I’m not disagreeing with you, I’m just confused.”

“I know,” Phil agreed. “I did want to be here. I _do_ want to be here. I hate when I leave, and that’s the problem. It’s like this house has become a trap.”

“Would leaving be like running away?”

“I don’t think so,” Phil replied, shaking his head. “I think it would just be… moving.”

 

It didn’t take them long to find a place. They were going to move back to London and rent an apartment for a year while they chose something more permanent. The idea of remaining in the same city didn’t appeal to either of them, and neither of them wanted to be in another suburban neighborhood filled with children running around. 

London was filled with good memories for them, so that’s where they’d go.

It was important for them to stick to their same psychiatrist, and London was only an hour away, so they’d be able to make the trip once a week.

The house sold fairly quickly, as it had been kept up nice and it was in an excellent neighborhood. 

Dan and Phil had help moving most of their things, but they made sure no one touched Eli’s room. That was for them to go through by themselves.

As they entered his room, boxes in hand, they took a deep breath. 

“How should we do this?” Dan asked, his voice cracking.

“I think… I think clothes first.”

Dan nodded. “Okay. We’re going to keep some stuff, right? I want a quilt made from some of his clothes.”

“Of course,” Phil reassured him. “We’ll only let go of the things he didn’t like.”

Somehow, they managed to sort through all of Eli’s clothes without crying. Maybe it was because they knew they had an entire room to do, and the clothes were only the first part, but when they were done they had a box to save and a box to donate.

“Toys next?” Phil asked.

Dan sighed. “Let’s just. Let’s just take a break for a minute,” he said from his spot on the floor. He pushed the box of clothes away from him and sat against Eli’s bed. 

Phil picked something up off of the dresser and came to sit by Dan.

“I know we’ve both been avoiding these for the past few weeks,” he said, showing the packet of photos to Dan. “Maybe we could look through them though?”

Dan stared down at the packet for a few seconds before nodding. “Okay.”

Phil opened the packet with shaky, sweaty hands and pulled out the photos. 

The first few pictures were of different animals. They were all taken from a low angle, and a couple of them were half blurred by a finger in the way, so it was definitely Eli who took them.

When Phil got to the first picture of Eli, he let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. After staring at the photo for a few seconds, he handed it over to Dan and wiped at his eyes.

“He was so cute, wasn’t he?” Dan said, his voice quiet, contemplative.

“The cutest,” Phil replied.

Eli was smiling brightly, standing in front of a bird exhibit. His hands were clutching onto his backpack, and he was looking slightly to the left of the camera, as though someone was making him laugh.

A couple of the photos were of the ground, obviously taken by mistake, then there was another one of Eli.

This time he was sitting beside a few friends, and they were all eating lunch. All of their mouths were open wide, displaying the food inside. Eli’s eyes were crinkled up, and Dan could hear his loud laugh as he looked at the photo.

There were a few more photos of animals, then one of Eli and his friends standing at the entrance of the zoo. It appeared to be the end of the day, taken as the group was leaving the zoo. He and his friends all had their arms around each other, and they were smiling for the camera.

There was only one other photo after that. It was an attempt at a selfie, taken on the bus. He was doing a peace sign with his hand, something he had watched Dan do many times over the years.

The photo was a little bit blurry, as his hand was probably shaking from the bus being in motion, but it was still perfect.

It was perfect, and heartbreaking.

Heartbreaking because they both knew that photo had to have been taken sometime during his last hour. 

Dan wiped tears off of his cheeks as Phil took the photos and put them back in the packet.

“We should, um, put these in an album,” Phil said, clearing his throat.

“Yeah, we should.” Dan looked around the room as though he were trying to take a mental picture before it all changed for good. After a couple of minutes, he stood up, “I’m, um, I’m going to go get some more boxes. I’ll be back.”

“Okay.” Phil stood up as well and took a deep breath. “I’ll bring out some toys.”

 

They had officially moved a few days later, although nothing was unpacked and their new furniture hadn’t arrived yet.

“I never want to carry another box for as long as I live,” Dan said, sitting down on the living room floor.

“Well, that’s going to make unpacking very difficult,” Phil replied, moving a box over and sitting down beside him.

“Ugh! We haven’t done this in so long, Phil. I feel so old.”

“You are old.”

“Shut up!” Dan groaned and pushed Phil’s shoulder.

“Well, you are! But I am too, so it’s okay.”

“Oh, thanks,” Dan replied, rolling his eyes.

“No problem. Now, let’s get up and start unpacking!” Phil tried to pull Dan up by his arm, but Dan refused. 

“No!”

“Come on! Just two boxes, then we’ll order some dinner and rest for a bit.”

“You can’t make me!” Dan whined.

Phil smiled, “Dan, you’re acting just like-” He froze, his smile fading.

Dan reached over and brushed his thumb over Phil's cheek, leaning in and giving him a kiss. “Sorry,” he said.

“No,” Phil replied, shaking his head. “No, it’s fine. It just reminded me of that day I took him to the store by myself.”

“Oh, the freak out time?”

“Yeah.”

 

_ Eli was three, and three years old could be annoying. Extremely annoying. It seemed Eli was saving his “terrible two’s” stage for when he was three, and it tested Dan and Phil on a daily basis. _

_ Some days, Dan would take Eli out for a while so Phil could have some quiet time, and other days Phil would do the same. _

_ Today was Phil’s turn. He was taking Eli with him to pick up some groceries, so Dan could have a couple of hours to work on a video.  _

_ The second they got into the store, Eli began demanding things. _

_ “I want chocolate.” _

_ “No, Eli. Not right now.” _

_ “But I want it!” _

_ “I said no, Eli,” Phil replied, trying to remain calm. “If you’re good through the store, you can have some on our way out.” _

_ Eli sighed and crossed his little arms over his chest. _

_ As they headed down one of the aisles, Eli began walking behind Phil. _

_ “E, stay next to me, not behind me.” _

_ “I want to walk back here,” he replied. _

_ “Well, I want you to walk right here,” Phil said, pointing to the space next to him. _

_ “I not wanna be here,” Eli mumbled. “You not nice.” _

_ Phil was tired. He was so, so tired. Eli hadn’t slept much the night before, and he had been testing both his and Dan’s patience all day. He knew he needed to stay calm though, so he ignored Eli and continued down the aisle. _

_ They managed to make their way through half of the store before Eli decided he’d had enough and stopped walking altogether. _

_ “Eli, come on,” Phil said, the irritation evident in his voice. _

_ "You can't make me!" _

_ "Eli. Now!" _

_ “No. I tired!” _

_ “We’re almost done.” _

_ “I want in the trolley!” _

_ “You can’t get in the trolley, Eli, because you try to jump out of it.” _

_ “No, I don’t!” He was yelling now, his face scrunched up in a glare. _

_ “Yes, you do.” _

_ “Then carry me!” He demanded. _

_ “I can’t carry you, Eli, cause you try to bite me!” _

_ “You are mean!” Eli yelled, causing the other people on the aisle to glare over at Phil. _

_ “You’re not so great yourself right now, E.” _

_ And then Eli screamed. A red-faced, hands knotted together at his sides, scream.  _

_ And maybe it was his exhaustion, or the fact he could hear a woman saying he didn’t know how to be a parent, or maybe he was just fed up with Eli, but his response was to scream back. _

_ He only screamed for a couple of seconds, but it was enough for Eli to go silent and his eyes to widen. _

_ They stared at each other as though it were a contest. “Are you done?” Phil asked, putting his hands on his hips. _

_ Eli nodded. _

_ “Good. Now come stand beside me and let’s go.” _

 

“I still can’t believe you did that,” Dan said, shaking his head.

“I can’t either. But I never had a problem with him in a store again.”

"I wonder why!"

We were just lucky he got embarrassed about things like we did. If he had not reacted, I would have had to hide in a cave for the rest of my life."

They were both laughing now. 

For the first time, they didn't feel bad about it afterward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took a bit longer than usual to post! I wanted to get the rest of the story outlined so I know about how long it'll be. I have 16 chapters planned so, unless I end up doubling a chapter or something, that's how long it'll be.
> 
> Thank you for the comments, kudos, and just for reading!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	12. Chapter 12

Christmastime crept up on them fast. One day it was just a normal day in London, and the next, the shops were being decorated with tinsel, and Christmas trees were everywhere. 

The sound of Christmas music didn’t bring them joy this year. Instead, it felt like a knot tightening in their stomach.

Their first major holiday without Eli. They didn’t even remember Halloween. Nobody had come to their door that night. They never noticed the decorations being put up around town. And their minds were basically in another world.

But it was different now. More time had passed, and they were able to notice things again. They were able to notice the change in the air. They were able to fully take in their surroundings. They were able to function more than what was previously possible.

All of that felt like a relief up until this point.

The decorations, the change in people’s attitudes, the extra lights, were all constant reminders that Christmas was coming, and it wasn’t going to be the same ever again.

While the world around them changed for the holidays, their apartment remained the same. They had no desire to put up lights, or decorations, or anything holiday related. They just wanted December to pass by so they could move on.

“Mum called today,” Phil said as he sat down on the couch. Dan was already sitting, reading a book.

“How is she?” Dan asked.

“Good.” Phil paused. “She wanted to know if we were coming for Christmas.”

Dan put his bookmark in place and closed the book on his lap. “What did you say?” He asked, looking up at Phil.

“I said no. I don’t feel much like being around loads of people. Is that alright?”

Dan nodded. “Yeah. I don’t feel like that either. I’m sure I’ll get a call from my mum too.”

“I don’t… I don’t really want anything for Christmas, Dan,” Phil admitted, his voice thick with sadness. “I don’t want to open anything. Is that okay?”

Dan let out a relieved breath. The last thing he felt like doing was Christmas shopping. He loved buying things for Phil, but it all felt like too much right now. “That’s definitely okay. I didn’t want anything either.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m positive.”

Phil nodded, smiling a bit. “Okay. Okay, that’s good. I’ll let you get back to your reading.”

“Alright,” Dan replied as Phil stood up. “Love you,” he said, squeezing Phil’s hand briefly as he walked beside him.

“Love you too.”

 

No matter how much they tried to avoid it, Christmas Day still felt different from any other day. 

It started with Phil waking up to Dan nearly hyperventilating beside him. He was turned away from Phil, curled on his side, his body shaking as he cried.

“Dan,” Phil whispered, trying to blink away the the heaviness in his eyes. It had taken hours for either of them to actually fall asleep, and neither of them went peacefully.

Dan didn’t answer, so Phil scooted a bit closer to him, gently placing a hand on his shoulder. “Dan,” he repeated, louder this time.

Dan sucked in a shaky breath and pointlessly wiped tears away from his cheeks. “I’m sorry,” he gasped, “I d- didn’t mean t-to wake you.”

“Don’t ever be sorry,” Phil replied, softly tugging on Dan’s arm until he turned over. Once he was facing Phil, Phil wrapped his arm around Dan, holding him close.

Dan tucked himself into Phil’s chest, curling one arm between their bodies and the other draped over Phil’s waist. “I m- miss him,” Dan said, and Phil could tell his bottom lip was quivering.

“I do too,” he replied. Phil didn’t have his glasses on, so he couldn’t tell what time it was, but he knew it had to be around six. That’s the time Eli woke them up every Christmas morning. He’d run in, jumping on the bed, telling them to hurry up and go downstairs. 

After a couple of years, Dan and Phil would both already be awake by the time he came in the room. They pretended to still be sleeping though, because they knew Eli enjoyed waking them up almost as much as he enjoyed opening presents.

“My ch- chest hurts,” Dan said, still gasping for breath.

“It’s cause you’re crying too hard,” Phil replied, trying to stop himself from crying until Dan was calmer. “Remember to feel how I’m breathing, okay? Try to match it.”

Phil made sure his chest moved up and down enough for Dan to feel it. 

It took a few minutes but, eventually, Dan’s breathing calmed down and he was able to take complete breaths again.

“I’m tired,” Dan said, his red, puffy eyes drooping closed.

“Go back to sleep,” Phil replied, running a hand through Dan’s hair. As he felt Dan’s breaths even out more, Phil let himself cry.

 

_ “What’s his temperature?” Dan asked Phil for the fortieth time that day. _

_ “Same as before.” _

_ “It hasn’t risen?” _

_ “No.” _

_ “That’s good.” _

_ Phil was currently holding Eli in his arms, the little boy resting his head on Phil’s shoulder. It was their first Christmas with Eli, and it was also the first time they were dealing with a sick baby. _

_ Phil handed Dan the ear thermometer, then placed his hand over Eli’s back and rubbed gently. _

_ “What are we supposed to do?” Phil asked, feeling helpless. _

_ “The doctor said to just wait it out. It should be gone in a day or two. It’s just a bug going around right now,” Dan replied, sitting down on the couch. “If his temperature gets too high, though, then he said to take him to A&E.”  _

_ Phil already knew this. He had gone with Dan and Eli to the doctor. Still, he needed the reassurances.  _

_ “Is he asleep?” Phil asked, turning so Dan could see Eli’s face. _

_ “Yeah, he’s out.” _

_ Phil sighed in relief. “Thank God. I’m going to try and put him down.” _

_ They had brought Eli’s travel cot downstairs so he could stay close to them. Phil slowly leaned over and placed Eli in the cot, then backed away and sat down beside Dan. _

_ He had just leaned his head back against the couch when Eli started to cry. _

_ “I’ve got him,” Dan said, patting Phil’s leg as he stood. _

_ “You don’t feel good, do you, E?” Dan continued, picking Eli up. “You want to stay right by Daddy and Pappy, don’t you.” _

_ “Ugh! Don’t use that name,” Phil said, lifting his head back up. “I’m not going to be called Pappy.” _

_ “Hey, I told you to choose something or I’d do it for you,” Dan replied, slowly swaying from side to side. “You never chose, so Pappy is what you get.” _

_ “I’ll figure something out before he’s old enough to call me anything. It won’t be Pappy.” _

_ “Sure it won’t.” _

_ They were both silent for a few minutes, just enjoying a moment of peace while they had it. Phil leaned his head against the couch again and closed his eyes, feeling more exhausted than he had in a very long time. _

_ “Hey,” Dan whispered after a couple more minutes passed. “Hey.” _

_ When Phil didn’t respond, Dan moved closer to him and kicked his foot. _

_ “Ow!” Phil exclaimed. _

_ “Hush! Is he asleep?” Dan asked, turning just as Phil had done earlier. _

_ “Yeah.” _

_ Dan sighed, then slowly sat down on the couch, leaning back so Eli could rest against his chest. _

_ “I figure maybe he’ll stay asleep if I leave him like this,” he explained. _

_ “Good idea.” _

_ With one hand secure under Eli’s butt, Dan reached out for Phil to take the other. _

_ Once Phil did, they both snuggled deeper into the couch. The only light in the room was from the glow of the Christmas tree in the corner. It made everything look so peaceful, even though their day had been anything but. _

_ “Merry Christmas, Phil,” Dan said, closing his eyes. _

_ Phil squeezed his hand. “Merry Christmas, Dan.” _

 

They didn’t leave the bed until well past the afternoon. They forced themselves to sit on the couch and have cereal, which they ate in complete silence.

Eventually, Phil turned on the TV. He flipped the channels until he found something that had nothing to do with Christmas, and they sat curled up beside one another and watched. 

Neither of them would even be able to tell you what the show was. They weren’t paying it that much attention. They were just staring blankly at the screen as the show played.

After a couple of hours, Dan laid back against the armrest of the couch, resting his legs over Phil’s lap. His eyes slowly closed, and he was asleep again. 

Phil knew it was just his way of coping. Sleeping the day away so he wouldn’t have to deal with the fact it was Christmas.

Phil wished he could fall asleep too.

After flipping through every channel two times, Phil turned off the TV with a sigh.

He looked around the house, trying to think of what to do. He didn’t want to move too much, fearing it would wake Dan up.

When he noticed his phone on the coffee table, he slowly reached over and picked it up. He froze as Dan shuffled around a little bit, but relaxed when Dan continued to sleep.

Phil looked over all of his apps, not feeling like playing any games at the moment.

He ended up going onto the YouTube app. He didn’t know what he was looking for. He had no desire to watch anyone’s videos. 

As he scrolled down the main page, one of his recommended videos was  _ Phil is not on fire.  _ He smiled at the memory of that day. It was so long ago now, but he could remember it like it was yesterday.

He clicked on the video and watched, trying not to cringe at their choice of hairstyles. 

Two hours later, he found himself still watching his old videos. He made sure to avoid ones that had or mentioned Eli. He watched a lot of the collabs he and Dan did, and some videos that were just him. 

He found himself missing it. He missed recording videos. He missed the editing process. He missed uploading the videos and waiting for a response. He missed it all.

The more he watched his videos, the more he had the desire to film again. And that thought both made him happy and terrified him at the same time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Your comments have made my days so much better!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	13. Chapter 13

Phil kept his thoughts about wanting to film again to himself for a few weeks.

It was mid-January before he finally admitted it to their therapist during the twenty minutes of alone time he had.

His therapist, John, assured him that this was a good thing.

“Phil, it’s a progressive step to want to go back to doing the things you love.”

“Does it mean I’m leaving him behind though?”

“Of course not. Eli will always be a part of your life, no matter what you do.”

Phil sighed. “What about Dan?”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t want him to get the wrong idea. I want to be honest with him, but I don’t even know how to start. I’m afraid he’ll think I’m done mourning, or he’ll get mad.”

“Communication is the most important thing in a relationship, Phil. I’m sure you know that. You two have been together for a long time. Tell him what’s worrying you. Tell him that you’re still grieving, and that this is something that will help you do that. If you’d like, we can do it here. It’s a safe environment and I can help explain things should they need explaining.”

Phil thought about taking him up on the offer, but in the end he decided against it. “I think this is something we need to talk about by ourselves, but thank you.” He paused, “Have your phone near you in case we need an emergency session though.”

John laughed. “I’ll do that.”

 

It was the day before Phil’s birthday when he finally got up enough courage to talk to Dan.

Phil had already decided that he didn’t want to do anything for his birthday, so he knew Dan wouldn’t be busy making any last minute plans.

He went into the living room, where Dan was sitting on the couch reading. He had taken a much bigger interest in reading lately, finding all of the books they had in the house and going through them one by one.

Phil figured it must be his replacement for spending time on the internet.

“Can we talk?” Phil asked, sitting down on the other side of the couch.

Dan lowered his book, taking note of Phil’s worried tone.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

Phil shook his head. “Nothing. I don’t think, at least. I’m not sure.”

Dan sat up a bit straighter, closing his book and putting it down on the floor. “Okay, that doesn’t make me any less worried.”

“No, it’s really not that bad, it’s just… Well, I don’t really know how to say it.”

“Words might help, Philly.”

Phil laughed, raising a hand to fix his hair before dropping it back to his side. “Right. Um, I was- I was talking to John a couple of weeks ago about this, and I wanted to tell you sooner but I felt bad about even thinking about it and John says it’s not bad but-”

“Phil, my God, take a breath!” Dan interrupted. “What did you talk about?”

“I miss making videos,” he blurted out. He stared at Dan, waiting for a reaction.

When one didn’t come, he started talking again. “On Christmas, after you fell asleep on the couch, I didn’t want to wake you up so I got my phone and opened YouTube. I started watching some of my videos, and some of the videos we did together, and I- I just missed it. I miss telling stories, and filming, editing, uploading, waiting for reactions. I miss it all.”

Dan remained silent. The worst part was he wasn’t actually looking at Phil anymore. He was staring just passed Phil, as if he were in deep thought.

“Dan?” Phil said, wishing he would have brought his phone in the room. They might need John after all. “Dan?”

Dan took a deep breath, and his eyes met Phil’s. “Okay,” he responded simply.

“O- Okay?” Phil questioned.

Dan nodded. “Okay. I mean, I don’t want to make videos, but that doesn’t mean you can’t.”

“Are you sure?”

Dan smiled lightly. “Do you not want me to be?”

“No! I was… I was just really worried that it would bother you. That you’d think I wasn’t sad anymore or something.”

Dan moved over closer to Phil, wrapping his arms around him and drawing him in close. “I don’t think either of us will ever not be sad, Phil. Even when we’re happy again, we’ll still be sad. It doesn’t bother me that you want to make videos though. I promise.”

Phil wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist. It was an odd position for them on the couch, but neither of them cared. “I love you.”

Dan kissed the top of Phil’s head. “I love you too.”

 

“What’s wrong?” John asked as Dan sat in his office, staring out the window.

The question seemed to bring Dan back from wherever his mind was wandering. “What?”

“Something’s wrong. Want to tell me what it is?”

Dan sighed. “You know me too well.”

“It’s my job.”

Dan bit at his bottom lip, thinking. “Am I doing it all wrong?”

“Doing what?”

“This. Grieving. Whatever.” He said, becoming irritated with himself.

“There’s no proper way to grieve, Dan, we’ve talked about that.”

“I know. But it’s taking too long for me.”

“Dan, I’m good at my job, but I’m not a mind reader. Help me out here.”

Dan paused, collecting his thoughts. “Phil wants to start filming again. I’m fine with that, honestly. I just… I don’t want to do it. I used to love that, but I just have no desire to sit in front of a camera and try to connect with people.”

“You’re two different people, Dan, and you’re grieving in two different ways. There’s no hourglass running out, telling you when you need to move to the next step. One day, you might enjoy filming again. Or, you might not. Neither of those things are wrong.”

“But, what if Phil wants me to hold the camera while he’s filming? Or just watch the video before he posts it? That’s what I used to always do, but I don’t want to do that.”

“Would Phil force you to do it if you said no?”

Dan shook his head. “No, he’d never.”

“Then, if he asks, say no. Or, before he asks, tell him you won’t do it. I don’t know him as well as you do, but he seems like a pretty understanding person.”

“He’s the most understanding person,” Dan replied, crossing his arms over his chest as he rolled his eyes. “You could steal his wallet, and he’d apologize to you for calling the police.”

John laughed. “Remember what we’ve talked about? Communication is-”

“The most important thing in a relationship,” Dan finished. “I know, I know. I’ll talk to him.”

 

A week passed by without either of them mentioning Phil’s desire to starting filming again. It seemed they were both waiting for the other to bring it up first.

It was almost another week before Phil finally brought it up. They were lying in bed, waiting for sleep to take over, when Phil turned from his side to his back. “Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“I think I’m going to film tomorrow.”

Dan took a deep breath. “Alright.”

“I know… I know you don’t want to. I won’t even mention you in the video if you don’t want me to. I just wanted you to know I was going to film.”

“Okay,” Dan replied. “You c- You can mention me, Phil. I just don’t want to be in the video.”

Phil nodded, even though Dan couldn’t see it. “I understand. I wasn’t sure if you’d want to even be here while I filmed. I could go somewhere else to do it. Louise wouldn’t mind if I did it at her house. Or-”

“Phil,” Dan interrupted, turning over so he could be facing Phil’s direction. “You can film here. It’ll be fine. I’ll just stay downstairs.” He reached over, wrapping his arm around Phil’s waist as he cuddled close to his side. “It’ll be fine,” he repeated, kissing Phil’s shoulder.

Phil put his arm over Dan’s, rubbing circles over Dan’s forearm with his fingers. “Goodnight, Dan,” he whispered, noticing that Dan’s breath was already evening out.

“G’night, Phil.”

 

_“I get to be in a video today?!” Eli asked excitedly. He had been in a few before, but he hadn’t been in one for months now._

_“Yes!” Phil replied. “We need you to help recreate our dinner from the other night.”_

_“Which one?”_

_“When we went out to eat.”_

_“Oh!” Eli replied with a nod. “The one where Daddy made devil horns at that man?”_

_Phil sighed. “Yes, that’s the one.”_

_“He deserved it,” Dan said, walking into the room._

_Phil rolled his eyes, continuing to fix the camera in the dining room. “Dan, you hissed at him.”_

_“He made me angry.”_

_“He was a preacher, Dan. You chose to make devil horns and hiss at a preacher.”_

_“He was the one who kept whispering shi- stuff about us. And he didn’t even notice it that much anyway.”_

_Phil checked to make sure all of their chairs could be seen in the shot. “That’s because Eli was busy throwing a dinner roll at his face, getting us kicked out!”_

_“Daddy said I had good aim!” Eli exclaimed, smiling widely._

_“I swear, every time I go out in public with you two, years get taken off of my life," Phil said as Dan gave Eli a high-five._

 

“Phil?” Dan said, trying to get Phil’s attention. “Phil?”

Phil turned around quickly. “What?”

“I just came to get my book out of the room before you started filming,” he replied, leaning against the doorway. “Are you okay?”

Phil glanced around, taking note of the fact that he had been standing idly beside his camera. “I’m terrified,” he admitted.

“You don’t have to do it today,” Dan said with a sympathetic shrug. “You can wait if you want.”

Phil thought for a moment, then shook his head. “No, I want to, I do. I’m just… terrified.”

“Do you need help?” Dan asked, his heart sinking at the thought that Phil might say yes.

“No,” Phil replied. “But, thank you. I know there’s literally nothing you’d want to do less right now, so that’s sweet of you to offer.”

“I never said that!” Dan defended weakly. He had never mustered up the courage to tell Phil his concerns.

Phil walked over to him, putting his hands up to Dan’s face and giving him a kiss. “I know you, Dan,” he said simply.

Dan sighed. “Are you going to let me get my book, or are we just going to make out instead?”

Phil cocked his head to the side. “Well-”

“Nope,” Dan said, pushing Phil’s shoulder so he’d move to the side. “You’re going to film and I’m going to go downstairs and read.” He walked over to his nightstand and grabbed his book. On his way back out the door, he stopped and gave Phil a kiss on the cheek. “Come downstairs and let me know when you’re done.”

Phil nodded, then Dan left, leaving him with nothing else to do but film his video.

He pressed the record button on the camera, then sat on the bed. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He had nothing planned for this video. That was something he hadn’t done in years. But there wasn’t anything that really could be planned for something like this.

Whatever happened, happened.

He crossed his legs and wiped his sweaty hands on his jeans. He took one more deep breath, then stared into the camera.

“I have no idea what I’m doing,” he said, speaking to himself more than the audience. “My heart feels like it’s about to explode. I’m absolutely terrified. I don’t think I’ve ever been this scared of being in front of a camera.”

Phil fidgeted with the hem of his pant leg for a couple of seconds before looking back up at the camera. “My videos have always been about making people laugh, or at least smile, but I don’t think this one’s going to do that. Over Christmas, I started to miss making videos. I watched some old ones of mine and I missed it. I’ve been wanting to film something for a few weeks, but I didn’t realize it would be as scary as it actually is. You’ll have to excuse me if there are a lot of jumpcuts in this, because I might ramble on a bit more than necessary.”

Phil allowed himself a moment to take some calming breaths, then he continued. “I don’t think there is any way to accurately describe these last few months. I don’t think I could tell you a single thing that happened around the world since… since that day. For all I know, aliens have invaded and dinosaurs have been brought back,” he said with a shrug.

“I feel like I’ve been so disconnected from everything, but, at the same time, I’ve been _too_ connected to life. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but nothing has really made sense lately.”

Phil wiped at his eyes. He felt them starting to burn, but he didn’t want to cry. Not right now. “I have to be honest, I don’t know what’s been said about everything that happened. I don’t know what people are saying, but I know the people who watch me and Dan are kind, so I want to thank you for any thoughts or prayers that have been passed our way. We’ve needed every single one.”

He stared out the window, giving himself a moment to think about what to say next. “Dan and I moved. We’re in London now. Being at the house didn’t… it didn’t feel right. Um, I go to therapy every week,” he added, making sure not to mention Dan for this part. He wasn’t sure how much Dan would want shared about his life right now, so Phil decided to focus on himself. “I take medication to help reduce nausea and vomiting. Maybe that’s sharing too much. I don’t know.”

His eyes were burning again. No matter how much he rubbed at them, he couldn’t stop tears from falling this time. “I loved being a dad,” he said, wiping a tear from his cheek. “I loved it so much. I always knew I would, but it was just so easy. I mean, it wasn’t always easy, but it was overall. I’d relive our worst day as parents over and over again if it meant he’d be here.”

Phil wasn’t sure if he’d keep any of this in. He wasn’t even sure if he’d post the video at all. It was like the camera was his therapist and he was letting out everything he had kept bottled up. “And watching Dan be a dad was just as amazing as being one myself. He knew how to handle every situation that I didn’t. We all worked together so well. We’ve always been like that, Dan and I, but we were even better when it came to being parents.”

Phil wiped more tears away, taking a deep, slow breath to calm himself down. “I don’t know when I’ll make another video after this, so don’t expect regular updates from here on. I just wanted to thank you all, and let you know that I do want to come back one day. I want to make people laugh and smile again. Sorry I couldn’t do that this time. Bye, guys.”

Phil stood up and turned the camera off, then headed downstairs to be with Dan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took a while for an update! My sister just had a baby, so I've been on aunt duty! I've got a nephew and two nieces now, and being an aunt is my favorite thing, so it came first!
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading, commenting, leaving kudos, or doing whatever you did!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	14. Chapter 14

Phil took his time editing the video, even though there wasn’t much that he ended up cutting out. All he did was cut out the long pauses in between him talking. He wasn’t sure what people would think of the video. He hoped they would be kind, but he’d been in this business long enough to know that that wasn’t always the case.

Even though he probably could have finished editing the video in a couple of hours, he let himself take a few days. It was a nice distraction from the rest of the world. Even though the subject wasn’t one he enjoyed reliving, being able to work with his editing software helped him feel better.

He watched the video a couple of times before he uploaded it. He was shaking as YouTube informed him that his video was now live.

He went onto his twitter account and posted his video, then quickly exited out of everything. He knew people would start commenting within seconds, and that was something he couldn’t look at right now. He’d get back online later, if he felt like it, and deal with the aftermath.

“You okay?” Dan asked as Phil walked into the living room.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Is the video up?”

Phil nodded. “Yeah.”

Dan poked Phil’s side with his foot to get him to look at him. “It’ll be fine,” he said, resting his legs on Phil’s lap.

“I know,” Phil replied, only sounding half sure. “I just don’t want them to be mad at me. I don’t want them to think I’m bad for making a video.”

Dan let out a deep breath. “If they think that then they can go fuck themselves, Phil. It’s not their life. You don’t owe them an explanation for anything.”

Phil smiled, patting Dan’s leg. “Have I ever told you I love you?”

Dan shrugged. “Once or twice.”

 

People were mostly positive when reacting to Phil’s video. There were quite a few parents who had also lost children, and they flooded the YouTube comments section with their own stories and thank you's. Other people supported Phil and told him he was incredibly brave. 

There were only a few trolls whose comments Phil almost let bother him, until he saw the string of replies from other people telling them off.

He didn’t reply to anyone on Twitter or YouTube. He wasn’t up for that yet. But he knew the people who mattered would understand that.

Phil felt a weight fall from his shoulders. All of his concerns were gone. He was happy that he had put the video up, and that he could one day continue to make videos that made others happy.

 

Some days, like the day Phil posted his video, were good days. 

Other days, were terrible days.

One of the worst set of days happened in February. 

February 12th was Eli’s birthday. It was a day they had both been avoiding talking about. The day before was a quiet one. Neither of them felt like talking much.

Phil kept busy by cleaning the house. Every inch of it was spotless by the time he was done.

Dan had a harder time staying busy. He tried reading, but he couldn’t focus for very long.

Phil noticed he seemed to be moodier than usual too. One minute he’d be smiling at Phil, and the next he’d look like he could murder someone with his bare hands.

That wasn’t their bad day though.

It started the day of Eli’s birthday.

 

The moment Phil woke up, he knew something was wrong. 

He opened his eyes to a half empty bed, and a much-too-quiet house. 

After putting on his glasses and using the restroom, he made his way to the living room. “Dan?” He called out, looking around for any sign of him. “Dan?!”

He went in every single room of the house, and Dan was nowhere to be found.

When Phil was sure that Dan was gone, he went back to their room to see if he had taken his phone. Dan didn’t carry it around with him very often anymore, so Phil was worried he wouldn’t have it now.

Thankfully, it was gone, meaning Dan had it on him.

Phil got his phone and called Dan, but didn’t get an answer.

He tried again.

No answer.

Again.

No answer.

Phil tried to stay calm. He thought of all the things Dan could possibly be doing.

Getting groceries.

Going for a walk.

Going shopping.

Buying more books.

That was all he could come up with, and even that sounded ridiculous. Dan had barely been outside since Eli died. He didn’t want to risk being seen by anyone. 

They had all the groceries they needed, Dan didn’t go for walks, he didn’t need any new clothes, and he’d order books online before he’d go out to buy some.

Phil took a deep breath, then tried Dan’s number again.

No answer.

He called John next, thinking that maybe Dan needed an emergency therapy session, but John told him he hadn’t heard from Dan at all.

He tried their friends. People they had been out of contact with for months now. People they hadn’t seen since the funeral. People they didn’t even remember being at the funeral.

No one had heard from Dan.

They all offered to help find him. To text him, call him, or go around town looking for him. He told them not to go looking, but they could text him if they wanted. Maybe he’d answer them.

Phil stayed home for a couple of hours, hoping that maybe Dan really was just out for a while. But when morning turned into afternoon, he knew something was wrong.

Phil got dressed and headed out. He went all over London, searching all the spots they used to go when they lived here before.

He couldn’t find Dan anywhere.

He called him over and over, leaving dozens of messages, but nothing.

His friends texted him a few times, saying they hadn’t heard from Dan either.

With a pounding heart filled with more anxiety than he thought possible, Phil headed back home. He had no idea where else to look. He had no idea where Dan would be. He wanted to call the police, but he knew they wouldn’t do anything yet. 

All he could do was go him, sit on the couch, and wait.

 

_ “Happy birthday!” Dan and Phil exclaimed as Eli came downstairs. _

_ The living room was filled with balloons. All different colors filled the floor, making it impossible to take a step without hitting into them. _

_ “Oh my gosh!” Eli exclaimed, giggling as he started to scoot through the balloons. _

_ “How old are you again? Twenty?” Phil asked as he walked over to give Eli a hug. _

_ “No, Pappy, I’m six!” _

_ “Oh, that’s right! I forgot.” _

_ “Okay, my turn for a birthday hug,” Dan said, moving Phil out of the way. _

_ Eli wrapped his arms around Dan, squeezing tight. _

_ “Wow! You’re getting strong! You’ll be able to beat me and Pappy in a fight soon.” _

_ “I could probably beat you now!” Eli replied. _

_ Phil shrugged. “That’s true. We are extremely weak.” _

_ “Okay, birthday boy,” Dan said, bending down to Eli’s level. “What do you want to do today?” _

_ “I have school!” He reminded them. _

_ “You do?” Phil asked. “Hm. I thought that was cancelled today.” _

_ Eli’s eyes lit up. “I don’t have to go to school?!” _

_ “Not unless you want to,” Dan replied, standing back up. _

_ “No!” Eli shouted. _

_ Dan laughed. “Okay, well then, today is your day. Whatever you want to do, we do it!” _

_ “As long as it’s legal!” Phil quickly added. _

_ “What do you think he’s going to want to do, Phil? Get a fake ID and go clubbing?” _

_ “It’s better to be safe than sorry!” _

_ “I want to go to the park! And bowling! And out to eat! And ice cream! And I want to go see puppies!” _

_ Phil took a deep breath. “Well, at least it’s all legal.” _

_ “Go get dressed, Eli,” Dan said. “We’ve got a busy day.” _

 

As Phil sat on the couch, he remembered a discussion that he and Dan had had the night of Eli’s birthday last year. After going to see the dogs that day, and watching how good Eli was with them, they talked about getting a puppy for his birthday the next year. Of course, they would mainly be the ones taking care of it, but they had wanted a dog for a long time themselves. It would be the perfect gift for all of them.

That’s what this day was supposed to be. It was supposed to be him, Dan, and Eli all sitting in the living room of their home, playing with their new dog.

It wasn’t supposed to be Phil, sitting alone in the living room of their apartment, worrying about where Dan was at.

Phil watched as day turned into night, turning on a lamp when the sun had set and left him in the dark.

He tried Dan again. 

No answer.

He wasn’t going to wait any longer. He was going to call the police. Maybe they wouldn’t do anything yet, but he had to try. He could tell them that Dan was a celebrity, and maybe that would make them look for him. He had never used their status as an excuse for anything before, but he would do it in a heartbeat if it would find Dan.

Just as Phil started to dial the number, the doorknob to their apartment began to jiggle.

Phil worried for a second that it might not be Dan, because it was taking a while for the person to unlock the door.

It did unlock, eventually, and Dan walked inside. 

As Dan closed the door, Phil looked him over from the couch.

He appeared to be fine, and that angered Phil.

“So, you’re alive then?” Phil asked rhetorically.

Dan jumped, turning to face Phil, not noticing him before.

“What? Oh. Oh, yeah. I- I am.”

Phil nodded. “So your phone must be broken?”

“Nope. No, it’s not.” Dan still hadn’t moved away from the door, but Phil could already tell he was drunk.

“Why didn’t you answer it?”

“Didn’t think to.”

“I’ve called everyone I could think of today. I was scared something happened to you.”

“Sorry,” Dan replied, his words sluggish and void of emotion. “I was busy.”

Phil rubbed his eyes. He was suddenly exhausted from a full day of constant worry.

“I’m going to bed,” he said, standing up to leave the room.

“Phil-” Dan called out, but Phil stopped him, holding up a hand. 

“I’m going to bed,” he repeated. “Don’t come with me. I’ll see you tomorrow, maybe.”

 

When Phil woke up the next day, Dan’s side of the bed hadn’t been touched. 

Once he decided to actually leave their room, Phil headed out to the living room, where Dan was sitting on the couch, drinking coffee.

“How are you?” Phil asked, causing Dan to look up from the book on his lap.

“Headache,” he replied, avoiding direct eye contact. “But, I’m fine.”

Phil nodded. “Good, good. So, what the fuck, Dan?” He asked, his voice calm and controlled.

Dan’s eyes widened slightly, before he returned to looking like a pitiful puppy dog. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“You left me here alone,  _ all day,  _ on Eli’s fucking birthday! I spent half the day looking for you and the other half wondering if you were dead! I almost called the police, Dan! And you were out getting drunk and ignoring my phone calls?”

“I’m sorry! I just went out for a walk at first, but then I walked into a bar and I… I’m sorry.”

“You’re not even supposed to drink on your meds, Dan! Did you not think about that?!”

“I haven’t taken them for a few days.”

Somehow, Phil felt even angrier than before. “You what?”

“I stopped taking them a few days ago. I was feeling a lot better recently and I didn’t want to get hooked on them forever.”

“You were feeling better because of the medication, Dan! You know that! You’re not that stupid!”

Dan stood up, now looking angry himself, and started to leave the room.

“Where are you going?!” Phil asked.

“I don’t need to be talked to like I’m a child!” Dan yelled, looking for his keys in the kitchen. “I’m leaving,” he said once he found them.

“Oh, gonna go get drunk again? Or is that only for special occasions?”

“You’re being an ass,” Dan said, walking toward the door.

“You fucking left me!” Phil yelled as Dan’s hand reached for the knob. Phil’s eyes were burning and tears were falling before he even realized. “You fucking left me here, Dan! I had to sit here, alone, thinking about him and worrying about you! I thought you were dead! I d- didn’t know what I was going to do!” He was starting to hyperventilate, so he took a moment to let himself catch his breath.

Dan turned back to look at him. He hadn’t seen Phil freak out this much before and it was scaring him. “Phil, I-”

“I would never do that to you, Dan,” Phil said. He wasn’t yelling anymore. He was too tired to keep yelling. Too tired to keep fighting. “I never would have done that to you.”

“I- I’m sorry,” Dan stuttered, trying to keep himself from crying. “I can’t f- fix it. I’m sorry.”

“You have to go back on your meds, Dan. You have to.”

Dan nodded. “I will. I’m sorry.”

Phil held up a hand. “Just, stop. I don’t- I don’t really want to hear it right now. I think I’m gonna go back to bed. Leave, stay, do whatever you want. I don’t care.”

Phil turned away from Dan and headed for their bedroom, leaving Dan standing at the front door.

 

Phil hadn’t been in bed for very long when he heard the door creak open. A few seconds later, the bed sunk behind him, and he knew Dan had sat down.

“I stopped taking them five days ago,” Dan said, not even sure if Phil was listening. “I stopped because I was able to laugh with you, and I was able to go a full day without crying. I thought that if I stopped taking them I’d be okay, and I messed up. I’m sorry.”

Phil remained still and silent, so Dan continued. “I watched your video two days ago, and it scared me. It fucking terrified me, Phil, and when I woke up and it was Eli’s birthday, I didn’t know what to do so I just left and I’m so, so sorry. I know it doesn’t matter, but I’m sorry.”

After a few seconds of silence, Phil took a deep breath and pushed himself into a sitting position. With his back against the headboard, he faced Dan, who was sitting with his back facing the end of the bed. “How did my video scare you?” Phil asked.

“When you talked about being a dad… It made my heart start pounding because I  _ know  _ you loved being a dad, and I’m afraid you might want to be one again someday.” Dan bit at his bottom lip, trying to stop himself from crying. “And I just can’t do it again,” he said, his voice breaking. “I can’t be a dad again. I’d be terrified, every single day. I can’t do it.”

“When did I ever say that I wanted to?”

“You didn’t, but-”

“But you just assumed because I said that I loved being a dad that it meant I wanted to do it again?” Phil asked harshly. “And instead of coming to me and asking me about it, you just ran off on our son’s birthday, got drunk, and left me here?”

“I don’t know how to make this better,” Dan said, putting his head in his hands.

“You could have just talked to me, Dan.”

Dan looked back up at Phil, his eyes desperate, pleading. “I know. I know that. I’m sorry. Will you… I know you can’t right now, but will you ever be able to forgive me?”

Phil stared into Dan’s eyes, which were filled with unshed tears. “You can’t stop your medication anymore. I swear, I’ll watch you take them and make you prove that you did.”

“I won’t stop, I promise.”

“Don’t make promises,” Phil replied. “And don’t ever do something like that to me again; leaving, like you did. I can’t- I  _ won’t  _ deal with that again.”

“I won’t.”

They were both quiet, neither knowing what to say next. There was a heaviness in the air that neither of them were comfortable with.

“I’m going to see if John can fit me in sometime today,” Dan said after a couple of minutes. “I think I need it.”

Phil nodded in response. As Dan got up to leave the room, Phil settled back into bed. “Make it for me to,” he said before Dan shut the door. “If that’s alright.”

Dan took a deep breath, relieved that Phil wanted to go with him. “Okay,” he said, shutting the door so Phil could rest.

It wasn’t much, it wasn’t forgiveness, but he’d take it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't know my last chapter would make people so emotional, but thank you all so much for the kind words!
> 
> Guys, I think we've only got one or two more chapters to go! I was able to put two chapters into one, so there's probably going to be one less than I thought. I'll miss it when it's done!
> 
> Tumblr: softgolftechniques


	15. Chapter 15

Winter turned to spring, and spring to summer. 

It hadn’t taken long for Phil to forgive Dan for the incident on Eli’s birthday.

For the first few weeks after, even once Phil had reassured him they were fine, Dan made sure to take his medication when Phil was present.

Phil never asked him to, but Dan didn’t want there to be any reason to doubt.

They continued going to therapy once a week. Even when they felt like they didn’t need to talk about Eli, they both found it was nice to just go and talk about anything and everything.

Phil had made a couple of videos since his return. He also started writing on Twitter again, every once in awhile.

One video was about an awkward encounter he had at the store, where he went to reach for the last box of cereal at the same time as an elderly woman. She glared at him, leading him to apologize to her over and over, eventually even offering to pay for the cereal for her. Even though he approached the topic with humor, it made him realize that he had a problem when it came to apologizing unnecessarily. He made sure to discuss that with John the following week.

The other video was about what it was like to be in London again after so many years of living in the suburbs. Having to get used to noises all throughout the day and night, the crowds, not needing to drive anymore. 

They were simple videos that didn’t take much of an effort, but each one felt like a small victory.

 

Nine months after Eli had passed away, Dan had a realization that he had gone a whole week without crying.

When he told Phil, Phil realized that he hadn’t cried in about a week either.

Yes, they still thought of Eli every single day. But, they hadn’t cried.

This awareness caused them both to cry. 

It made them feel as though they were letting go a bit too much. And it wasn’t until their session with John that they realized that’s not what it meant at all.

It took them a lot of time, and a lot of missteps, to realize that recovery is often just as difficult as the initial pain that caused it. Healing was not easy, and it was not simple, and there were bound to be setbacks. 

 

Throughout the months, they both had moments that required apologizing. They had moments where everything felt like a bit too much and they would snap at each other. They had moments where they made the other cry, and moments where they never wanted to look at one another’s face ever again.

These moments didn’t last though. And they always made them a bit stronger in the end. They learned how to work it out without leaving the room. They learned to not go to bed angry.

 

It was nearing time for school to be starting up again. This was the time Dan and Phil would take Eli to the store and they’d get all of his school supplies.

That’s what Dan was thinking about as he walked through the house, heading back to their storage room.

He was home alone, Phil going to the store to get some groceries, and he was bored.

He had read so many books over the past few months, and he didn’t feel like starting another right now.

He was going into the storage room to look at some of Eli’s things that they had saved. He had finally gotten to a point where he could look at the items without turning into an emotional mess, so he figured he’d relive some old memories.

He walked over to Eli’s stuff, picking up a shirt and unfolding it. It was a black and white checkered shirt with tiny red lines running through it. As he ran his fingers over the material, he thought back to the day they picked it out.

 

_ “I don’t want to go back to school,” Eli whined. _

_ “You love school,” Dan replied, picking up a shirt and holding it up to Eli. “You just don’t want to get up earlier this year.” _

_ Eli sighed. “Why’d they change the pick-up times?” _

_ “Just to torture you.” _

_ “I knew it! Why don't you just take me to school?” _

_ "Because, overall, you're safer on a bus than you are with me or your Pappy driving," Dan replied. "Remember, it's not just you that has to get up earlier. We all do." _

_ "Ugh! I don't wanna." _

_ Dan took a deep breath. Eli had been whining for a few minutes now and it was starting to get old. Dan knew he was just hungry, but they couldn’t leave until they picked out some shirts. _

_ “Eli, if you stop complaining and just try on these few shirts I’ve picked out then we’ll go out to eat wherever you want for lunch.” _

_ Eli’s eyes lit up. “Really?” _

_ “Yes, really.” _

_ “Pappy won’t care?” _

_ “Pappy left me here with you so he could go check if they had any colorful socks for him to buy. I won’t let him care.” _

_ Eli grabbed the shirts from Dan and ran into the nearest dressing room. Dan followed behind him, waiting outside the door. _

_ When Eli opened the door a few minutes later, he was wearing the black and white checkered shirt. It was a button down shirt; one Dan was sure he’d get tired of ironing. But Eli looked absolutely adorable. _

_ “Oh my God, you’re getting too big!” Dan exclaimed.  _

_ “Daddy!” Eli rolled his eyes, his cheeks blushing in embarrassment. _

_ “Well, you are. You look so much like Pappy too! I have to take your picture.” _

_ “He’s going to see it at home.” _

_ “I don’t care! I’m sending it to him now.” _

_ Dan pulled his phone out of his pocket and took a picture of Eli. _

_ “Can I go try on the others now? I want to eat.” _

_ “Yes, yes,” Dan said, waving him off. “Go, go. I’ll be waiting.” _

 

Dan put the shirt back down and continued looking around.

What he didn’t expect was for his and Phil’s videoing equipment, out of all things, to catch his attention.

He walked over to the camera, which was set up on the tripod, and gently lifted his hand to it.

He touched it like it was a delicate, porcelain doll that could break at the slightest wrong touch.

Dan wasn’t sure what came over him, but the next things he knew he was moving the tripod into their bedroom.

He hadn’t thought about filming at all since Eli died. It was something he figured he’d never do again.

But those thoughts weren’t running through his mind as he turned on the camera and sat on his bed.

“So, I take medication for depression now,” he started, getting right to the point. “Never thought I’d have to do that. Sure, I made jokes about wishing for death when I was younger, and I still have an existential crisis from time to time, but I didn’t realize that one day I’d actually be diagnosed with depression.”

Dan straightened up a bit. He wished he was in a chair right now, preferably one he could swirl around in a bit so he’d be more comfortable, but this is where he set up and he wasn’t going to move anything now. “Anyway, I figure we could just have a little chat about life, death, and everything in between. Something I’ve come to realize in these past few months is that I will never ever have control of anything that I want control over. Sure, I’m able to choose when I eat and when I don’t. I’m able to choose whether I go to bed early or stay up late. I’m even able to choose whether or not I take my medication- although not taking it has terrible consequences but that’s for another time. However, what I cannot control is the people who remain or do not remain in my life.”

Dan took a deep breath. “I’m not someone who grew up with a lot of close friends. I still don’t have a lot of close friends. Acquaintances, yes, but not people who I call regularly to go out for a cup of coffee or a pizza or whatever the fuck friends go out and do. Therefore, I hold on close to the people in my life. I think you all know that by seeing how close Phil and I have been since the day we met.”

Dan fixed his hair, giving himself a moment before moving on to the next part. “Besides Phil, Eli was my best friend. Kids can be tiring, sure, but I still loved to be around him and I held onto him tight. I hid that better than Phil. He always seemed like the overprotective one, but I was overprotective too. I just didn’t vocalize it the same way he did. Losing someone like that though…”

He paused, clearing his throat before continuing. “Losing someone like that, for me, was something I don’t think I’ll ever fully recover from. I’m doing better, at least I’m trying, but I don’t think I’ll ever be okay. Not only because it was my child, which is the absolute worst fucking thing to lose, but because it brought to the front of my mind the fact that I have no control. It was like a ball flying through the air and hitting me on the head before I even had time to duck. The idea that, at any moment, I could lose someone else in the handful of people that I care about… I couldn’t function.”

Dan was surprised at how easily he was speaking to the camera after being away for so long. He wasn’t sure if any of it would make sense, but he couldn’t stop now. “For weeks, I was like a zombie. The first time I fell asleep, I had a dream that Eli was crying, and I woke up and went to go get him. After that, I stayed up every night and slept all day. Even when I was awake, it was like I wasn’t really there. I realized that, if Phil weren’t around, I wouldn’t stick around myself. I wouldn’t kill myself and leave Phil, that’s what I kept saying, but if he were gone… I’d be gone too.”

He took another deep breath, reminding himself to not rush too much as he spoke. “When I finally let those thoughts be known, during a fairly dramatic time for Phil and I, we went to get help. We go to a therapist once a week, I was put on medication, like I said. I was just recently taken off of my sleeping pills. I had to have those for months or I would never have started sleeping at night again.”

Dan sighed. “I don’t know where I’m going with this. I guess that’s not too different from a regular Dan video though. I guess, you just never know what’s going to happen in your life. You don’t have control over the major events. That’s one of the hardest things to learn, and it took me well into my adult life to learn it. I’m not sure if I’ll ever  _ accept  _ it, but I’m trying. Anyway, that’s it, I guess.”

Dan got up and turned the camera off. He took the camera off of the tripod and headed straight for their desktop computer so he could start editing.

 

When Phil got back to the apartment, he took the bags he was carrying into the kitchen.

The place was quieter than usual, so Phil figured Dan must be asleep.

He quietly put everything away, then headed to their bedroom.

He stopped in the doorway when he saw that the bed was empty and their tripod was set up beside it.

When he heard the sounds of a mouse clicking, he headed back to the office. He peaked his head around the corner and saw Dan sitting behind the computer, glaring at the screen in concentration.

Phil tapped on the door lightly so he wouldn’t startle Dan.

“Oh, hey!” Dan said, glancing over at Phil. “I didn’t hear you get back.”

“I thought you were sleeping so I was quiet. What are you doing?”

“Editing,” Dan replied simply, turning back to the screen.

“Editing what?” Phil asked, confused.

“I made a video while you were gone.”

Phil wasn’t sure how to react to this information. He wanted to run up to Dan, give him a big hug, and tell him how proud he was. He also knew that probably wasn’t the best reaction. 

“Oh, okay,” he responded, trying to keep his voice as calm and casual as possible. “I was going to order pizza for dinner tonight. Will you be done by eight?”

Dan nodded. “Yeah, should be. Sounds good.”

“Okay," he replied, backing away from the door. "I’ll leave you to it.”

Phil couldn’t stop smiling. Even as he cleaned all the dishes in the sink, rearranged the fridge, and cleaned their bathroom, he smiled. 

For the first time in almost a year, Dan actually seemed like his old self. 

Phil would never let Dan know, but he cried happy tears that night.

 

Dan posted the video to his YouTube channel, but didn’t bother to go on Twitter to let anyone know. They would find it soon enough, and he didn’t really have any idea what to write to them.

It had all happened so fast, and without really thinking it through, but Dan didn’t let himself worry. He wasn’t concerned about whether or not people may thumbs up or down the video. It was just something that, in that moment, he needed to do.

Phil watched the video while Dan was in the shower that night. He couldn’t help but tear up at the things Dan said. He felt sad, but incredibly proud at the same time.

While he didn’t want to overwhelm Dan by discussing the video too much, or asking what it meant for him returning to YouTube, he couldn’t help but hold him a bit closer that night.

He knew he didn’t really have to say anything.

Dan knew. He always knew.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I didn't want to overfill this chapter, so we've got one more to go!   
> Hope you enjoyed! Let me know!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	16. Chapter 16

On the anniversary of Eli’s death, Dan and Phil stayed in bed all day. The only time they left was when they needed to use the restroom, or when Phil got so thirsty that he had to go get himself and Dan a cup of water.

Otherwise, they just laid there, holding each other close. In between bouts of sleep, they would find themselves crying.

Sometimes it was silent tears that streamed down their face. Other times it was hyperventilating mixed with so much physical and mental pain that they didn’t think they’d ever stop.

They made it through though. They made it through the day, and when night came, they let sleep fall over them like a welcomed gift.

 

It was mid-November now and the world was becoming a bit colder. Dan felt comfy in his oversized, black jumper, as he set up the video camera in his and Phil’s room.

He was trying to be quiet, wanting to surprise Phil. He hoped it would be a good surprise.

Once the camera was set up, he pressed the record button and headed out to the living room.

“Phil!” He called out.

“Yeah?”

Dan peaked his head around the hall, “You busy?”

“Not really. Why?”

“Come here.”

Without giving Phil a chance to ask questions, Dan disappeared back down the hallway.

A confused Phil followed behind him, stopping when he reached the door.

“What… What’s this?” He asked, pointing to the camera.

“Wow, Phil. I thought you’d know what a camera on a tripod was by now.”

Phil rolled his eyes. “I mean why is it set up?”

“You’ll see.” Dan sat down on the bed and patted the spot beside him. “Come. Sit.”

“Are we… Are we recording us having sex?” Phil asked in an almost whisper as he joined Dan on the bed.

“Phil, if I said no to it yesterday, what makes you think I’d say yes today?” Dan deadpanned. “Now, stop saying things that makes my editing job harder and close your eyes.”

“What are you going to do to me?” Phil asked, wide-eyed.

“Philly, don’t you trust me by now?” Dan asked, giving a devilish grin to the camera.

“No!” Phil exclaimed.

Dan pushed his shoulder. “Shut up! Close your eyes. I can’t do anything too terrible with the camera rolling. Can’t leave behind that evidence.”

Phil sighed, but complied. He closed his eyes, scrunching them tight.

Dan took a deep breath as he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a marker.

He uncapped it as quietly as he could, then reached over and started applying it to Phil’s nose.

Phil jumped slightly when something cool and wet touched his nose, but when the familiar smell overcame him, he opened his eyes.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m whiskering you up, you turkey! Stay still!”

“Y- You really want to?”

Finishing up the nose, Dan dropped his hand down. “I do,” he replied with a nod, then quickly added. “But, if you don’t then we don’t have to!”

“No, no! I want to. I just… I didn’t think you would.”

Dan shrugged. “We haven’t done a video together in over a year. I miss it.”

Phil smiled. “I do too.”

“Alright then!” Dan exclaimed, bringing the pen back up to Phil’s face. “Give me your face and stay fucking still! Let’s get high on some marker!”

 

They had the best day that day. They laughed more than they had in a long time. They didn’t let themselves take a second of it seriously. 

Because Dan hadn’t asked for questions, they both just came up with random ones. They asked each other questions for hours, moving around the room and getting into the strangest positions they could think of.

They realized it was like a type of therapy. Completely different from their usual therapy sessions, this one helped them forget all of their worries and pain. This therapy made them feel young and carefree again.

They decided to do a video together at least once a month after that. Just something random and stupid to help them feel better.

It gave them something to look forward to, even on their worst days. It brought them closer together, and it made them stronger.

And, with each video, they found it became easier and easier to just be happy.

 

Eventually, therapy sessions changed from once a week to twice a month. They never wanted to stop going completely, but it was nice to not have to make the trip every week.

After therapy, they usually went out to eat before heading home.

This week was going to be different though.

They were going to do something that neither of them had the strength to do before.

They were going to visit Eli’s grave.

Phil took a deep breath as he pulled into the cemetery.

“Are you sure about this?” He asked. “We don’t have to go if you’re not ready.”

Dan looked over at him, reaching over and holding onto his free hand. “It was my idea, Phil. I’m ready. Thank you though.”

When Phil got near the spot of Eli’s grave, he parked the car. They both got out, then Dan opened the rear door and got out a bouquet of colorful balloons. 

Eli loved balloons, and they both felt it would be more appropriate than flowers.

Dan walked over to Phil and took his hand again. They walked passed a few graves before they reached the one Phil sort of remembered.

Dan took a deep breath, squeezing Phil’s hand before letting go.

He kneeled down, placing the bouquet of balloons on the ground. 

The cold wind blew on their faces, the sign of snow coming soon by the look of the clouds. Dan bit at his lip as a tear fell, wiping it away with his chilled hand.

Phil knelt down beside him, putting a hand on his back. “They’re your favorite colors,” he said, breaking the silence. 

He knew Dan wouldn’t do this part. He wouldn’t talk to the grave. To Dan, Eli wasn’t there. Eli wasn’t anywhere anymore. He was just gone.

Phil would talk though, no matter if Eli could hear or not. He would talk for both of them, saying the things that Dan couldn’t bring himself to.

“We miss you, E. We think about you everyday. Um, Grandma says she comes and visits you often. I’m sure she tells you a lot of stories.”

Phil paused, taking in a shaky breath as a tear fell down his face. “We really miss you.”

Dan remained silent. He moved an arm around Phil’s back, so they were both holding each other now. With his other hand, he reached over and gently brushing his fingers over Eli’s name on the headstone.

“Are you, um, are you ready to go?” Dan asked after a few minutes of silence.

Phil nodded, rubbing his hand up and down Dan’s back a few times. “Yeah, I’m ready.”

Dan stood up, placing his hands into his jacket pocket. 

Phil followed suit and, for a moment, they just stood there, staring down at the grave.

“Love you forever,” Phil whispered.

Dan took his hand and wrapped it around Phil’s arm. “Let’s go,” he said gently, leaning over and giving Phil a kiss on the shoulder.

They turned away from the grave, walked back to their car, and headed home.

 

_ “Why do you both say that?” Eli asked as Dan and Phil tucked him into his new toddler bed. _

_ “Say what?” Phil replied. _

_ “Love you forever.” _

_ “Because, we want you to know that we will love you forever and ever,” Phil replied. “No matter what.” _

_ “Oh. That’s nice,” Eli decided. _

_ Dan laughed. “Yes, it is. Now, it’s time for lights out. You ready?” _

_ "Mhm." _

_ “Okay.” Dan leaned over and gave Eli a kiss on the forehead. “Love you forever,” he whispered. _

_ Phil took his turn next. “Love you forever,” he said, giving Eli a hug. _

_ Eli thought for a second. He wanted to be able to say something back to his parents so they knew he would always love them too. _

_ As he held onto Phil, he put his other little arm out for Dan to come back down for a hug. _

_ Once they were both hugging him, he closed his eyes tight and whispered, "Love you for always." _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe it's over! I'm going to miss this story so much. Thank you guys for reading and commenting! 
> 
> If you'd like, I've started another story that you might enjoy. It's called The Serenity Prayer. It's pretty different from this, but it's angsty!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques
> 
> Thanks again!


End file.
